Contact

Feel free to contact Michael and/or Joel with questions, comments, rants, raves and suggestions at michaelandjoel@gmail.com.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Artist-to-Artist with Tim Burton this weekend

Joel asked us to pass this message along to readers. We reluctantly did so...

"Sup, bitches. Sorry for the wait on another post, but Michael's been out doing stuff for Transformers 2: Revenge of Shia LaBeouf. We were going to wait for him, but it turns out he blew up a few of the wrong things and had to extend the shoot.

"The producers don't seem to think I can handle a post on my own, even though I had great plans for a Schindler's List review. And Tuesday marked the release of The Dark Knight on DVD and Blu-Ray, so this weekend Michael and Joel: At the Movies will feature an artist-to-artist interview I will conduct with the second best Batman director ever and all-around weird dude Tim Burton.

"Got that? Fuck you Christopher Nolan. You suck!"

If you missed Michael and Joel coverage of the Dark Knight, you can check it out now at the link below...

http://michaelandjoel.blogspot.com/2008/08/dark-knight-more-like-gay-night-at.html

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Never Tomorrow Forever With Love

Michael: Earlier this month the 24th Bond movie (including the real Casino Royale), Quantum of Solace, was secreted into theaters by EON (Eternity of Nonsense) Films, and it goes without saying that it was complete and utter crap, a problem that would have been easily correctly by Joel and I sharing a warm director's seat. Ever since I was a Wee Freakin' Bay my dream was to direct James Bond, as he is a reflection of my real life - blowing crap up with expensive gadgets, driving fast cars, and getting some boom-boom-bam-bam lovin' without all the baggage. So instead of doing the standard Quantum of Solace review other so called critics have given readers in recent weeks, we thought we'd share with our awesome readers how we would make the ultimate James Bond film (25), which would then allow Sony to expand its "Ultimate" collection 15, releasing a new set next year for the unsuspecting bastards that thought they already bought the "Ultimate" collection last year. And fuck your hi-def TVs, blu-ray was so last year. You n00bs were pwned by brilliant marketing. Get ready for super-lazer vision.

Joel: Word.

Our Title
Never Tomorrow Forever With Love
Pretty self explanatory if you're not retarded, Mark.

Our Bond

Ben "Afflack" Affleck - The dude...gave it his best effort...as a director, but Ben "Afflack" Affleck kicks so much more ass when he's acting (the aptly titled Paycheck, anyone?)

To arrive at "Afflack" Affleck, we first eliminated all true Brits from the mix. Sean Connery was the best to date (Scottish), and then what? Silly bastards that might have been great if they were poncing around in a Shakespearean play with that Damn Judi Dench, but this is James Fuckin' Bond. Who better to play a British spy than a sexy American actor who already saved the world from something as ridiculous as a killer asteroid? Maybe Kanyon, but nobody is going to get that reference. So, we thought about casting Bruce Willis for this role, but no one is going to take that geez seriously after The Return of Bruno, his unappreciated (read: colossal flop of a) blues album, or the Justin Long vehicle Die Hard 4. So we were left with "Afflack" Affleck, the super-cool sonofabitch that brought the world Reindeer Games. And there's your James Bond.

We took one look at this photo and were pretty damn sure we made the right choice.

Our Supporting Cast

Megan Fox as M T&A
Judi Dench may be a respectable actress with actual talent, but damn is it hard getting all that saggy flesh in frame, or watching it for that matter. So in our film, we pay due to the classic M character by giving her one last blazing run with an AK-47 through a Russian prison camp before she gets caught in a hail of velocal raptors (crazy Russians) and dies in a blaze fueled by formaldehyde before she gets replaced by T&A, ushering in a new generation of tent-pitching Bond fans.

Aaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!! (breath) Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

Hero Nakatomi from Hiros as Q
This bullshit about English technology experts has to end. Think about it, man. The English still have a huge tower dedicated to a clock. They can put those things on your wrists or cell phones now. Japan went mind-time years ago while the rest of the "modern" world is still stuck in digital. Which is why we need that mind-time expert from Hiros, Hero Nakatomi to run the gadget department. Asians are smart. It's a fact. That's why we all cheated off them while at UCLA.

"Nanoo, Nanoo" was originally mistranslated as a salutation in English. It is actually more closely associated with a Japanese phrase that means "Later, bitches. I'm 'bout to teleport up out this motherfucker."

Curtis Jackson as G (The American Spy)

American intelligence is an oxymoron and Bond movies always makes sure to include at least one dumb American spy from which James Bond gathers (read: doops out of) intel. And who is dumber, yet socially more appealing (and downright fucking terrifying to your grandma) than Curtis Jackson. (Joel ed note - I was pulling for Fiddy Cent).

For a spy disguise, Curtis Jackson will exploit his ghetto background in a sly attempt at marketing ruthless gang culture and criminal actions to a new generation of wannabe hoodlums who could have overcome their situation if they just had Michelle Pfeiffer as a teacher.

Sacha Borat Cohen as Dr. O. Fu--
Got to have a weird foreign actor for the bad guy, right? How else will everyone in the civilized (read: English-speaking) world know who to root for? Like all Bond bad guys, he will be sporting some sort of facial deformation. Dr. O. Fu-- is fighting a bout of Bell's Palsy which causes the right side of his face to occaisional droop and turn some of his sentences into asdfasdf4w3hbq,kfgdasdf,ujusdf34tdnv b hng.

If it were up to Dr. Oh Fu-- everyone from Alaska to Russia would have to wear one of these, causing a ridiculous amount of sunburn, in turn causing his stock in SPF 1000 to skyrocket. Evil. Fucking. Genious.

Robert Pattinson as Iama Kumdumpster
This chick is new to the scene and has a lot of buzz for starring in the upcoming (Joel: heh heh upcoming) Twilight. What better way for her to keep the fame-train chugging then to have Bond give her the old in-out as the requisite Bond girl that does get screwed.

This chick has got it going on. I bet "Afflack" Affleck can't wait to nail her.

Damsel N Distress - Miley Cyrus
This girl is turning into a little slut, but isn't quite in the Lindsay Lohan whorehouse yet. Perfect timing to bring Bond to the tween demographic. And what a role for the hellspawn of Mr. Achy-Breaky himself. She can keep her respectability (the damsel never goes to bed with James on screen) while teasing that eventual dive into the gutter followed by obscurity (we all know she gets nailed shortly after the credits before Bond moves onto the next one).

... ... ... er ... ... ...

Richard Kiel as Jaws
All the best Bond movies have Jaws; this one will be no exception.

Jaws got his awesome teeth after eating too much candy for Halloween. So kids, if you want to be a supervillian, no brushing.

Plot!
So this dude is all like, "I bet the World Bank will give me an obscene amount of money if I threaten to send a missile into the sun." So he makes this evil base in an Ice Mountain volcano in Siberia. So this hot chick calls Bond and tells him he has to stop it because her country is too poor to just put up the money to save the goddamned fucking sun. Bond doesn't know this, but they are lying to him so he can stop the Doritos Spicy Fiestafield missile threat while Tom Cruise's MI3 pockets the ransom money. Before Bond goes to stop them he bangs Iama Kumdumpster at a Red Roof Inn then she dies from Lupus. Bond surfs into the Ice Mountian volcano because he was taught how to surf by 50 Cent. His AMP energy drink branded surfboard has an Epic flame thrower attached because the Asian Samsung dude made it for him. Fiddy Cent, who was thought to have died in surfing mishap, returns to announce he was framed by MI3 (a Tom Cruise Joint). $0.50 rides the missile into outer space, sacrificing himself while Bond makes a quick escape back to Earth in the Sony PlayStation 3 escape pod, now on blu-ray, and MI3, ravaged by the events of Never Tomorrow Forever With Love, gets a $700 billion bailout from the U.S. government. The end.

"Ta da!"
Matt Damon approves.

James Bond will return in Someday Never Moreover Less Rhinopussy 4 Free

Friday, November 21, 2008

Michael and Joel fight off not one, not two, but four zombie invasions; plan post for Saturday

The producers of Michael and Joel were asked to pass along the following information. We would have ignored it, but it came certified mail with the promise of a gift certificate to Chili's if we carried out the order. Economic times are hard, so here goes...

"Hey folks! I'm sure you were expecting, maybe even longing for, a new post on ye 'ol review site today. You expect a lot of things, but Michael and I are not your monkeys. We did feel the slightest bit of guilt, however, at not making your day that much more special by giving you one of our uplifting literary masterpieces. So, we thought we'd give you the skinny on why the post has been delayed. Michael and I, along with fellow "directors" George A. Romero and Danny Boyle, have been fending off not one, not two, but four zombie invasions over the last two days. They were stand-alone invasions, not directly connected, but we found ourselves in the middle of all four, and it took teamwork to survive. Really, we didn't accomplish much but to wreak havoc while waiting to be extracted, but it was a good time.

"Michael and I have been working on a post, despite the zombie hordes, which readers can expect to read late tomorrow afternoon. That is all...Suck it." -- Joel

Friday, November 14, 2008

Video games make the best movies

By Michael and Joel

Michael: Sorry for another week without a post.

Joel: Yeah, my mom was right. I won't get anywhere playing these games.

Michael: Yeah, games kind of suck.

Joel: Especially when they forget to tighten up the graphics on Level 3.

Michael: But the point is that they have inspired some phenomenal movies, so great that we might venture to call them films.

Joel: Indeed. Here is a look at some video game-inspired films from over the years.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Michael: Super Mario Bros., from day one, was destined to be a movie. It is a classic rags to riches story of two working-class plumbers -

Joel: -are there any other kind-

Michael: Who step up in a time of need to save the world and tag team it with a beautiful princess.

Joel: Mustache... rides... galore.

Michael: Graphically, the film was a marvel--a thousand times better than the drab, two-dimensional game. Sweet fireball effects, Yoshi was rightfully changed into a goddamned ugly dinosaur (is fuggliosaurus a thing?), Mojo Nixon as Toad and the Bomb-ombs were kicking it in style with their Reboks.

Joel: [shudders] It gives me flashbacks.

Michael: The only disappointing thing about this movie is that 15 years after its release, the sequel is still trapped in another castle (ed note - industry code for development hell). Now I may never know what happens after that cliffhanger ending where...well... we don't want to spoil anything for you n00bs.


Street Fighter (1994)
[Soon on blu-ray at all fine retailers]

Michael: This movie brings with it something that this site has been lacking since its inception.

Joel: Yeah, Jean Claude Van-Fuckin' Damm..mme

Michael: And Van Damne Dancing.

Joel: And it had quite the bitchin' soundtrack featuring an MC Hammer and Deoin Sanders collaboration, Rally Ral and Kylie Minogue.

Michael: Oh, I can't get her out of my head.

Joel: I'm gay.

Michael: So true. But you've got Van Damme in a beret to ogle.

Joel: So true. But while this box-office success propelled the careers of many and gave gamers a Hard-duken, it permanently TIGER UPPERCUTTED the career of Gomez Adams.

Michael: Ah, puns.


Mortal Kombat (1995)
Joel: Then there's a movie that koined the eternal phrase: "Those were $500 sunglasses, you asshole."

Michael: I'm still pretty sure that phrase hasn't pikked up quite as much as you think it has.

Joel: How about "It has begun!!!"

Michael: What has?

Joel: "Get over here!"

Michael: Where?

Joel: "What I want to know is, if this Shang Tsung guy is so great, why's he got sukh a krummy-looking boat? "

Michael: I don't think anyone knows what you're talking about at this point.

Joel: MOOOOOOORTALLL KOMMMMBAT!!

Michael: Anyways...

Joel: Da dant da dant da daahnt da dant da dant da daahnt

Michael: The action sequenkes are bar-none

Joel: da-daa du du du du da-de-ee da-daa du du du du

Michael: Though there was some kharacter konfusion with Khristopher Lambert from Highlander showing up (being immortal with elektrikity and all). Why doesn't he just fight them? What a kokkbag.

Joel: dunt dunt dunt dunt dunt dee

Michael: Kut it out.

Joel: ...MOOOOOOORTALL KOMMMBAT!!


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
Michael: Females aren't really good for video game characters unless, you know, unless they have giant breasts powered by unnatural physics. And the Tomb Raider series' improvements have basically centered around the increasing size and boyancy of Lara Croft's breasts.

Joel: Which is why the Womb Raider movie is so great. It's just huge breasts and sex. If the game was more like this, it would have sold a zagillion copies.

Michael: Joel...that's not...you know what...I'm not even going to correct you. It's all porn anyways.





Hitman (2007)
Michael: I never watched this movie, because I never needed to. The trailer does for me everything I could ever ask of a movie. In the mere 30 seconds of brilliant editing included in the TV spot, we see the film's main character, Agent 47, extending his arms in a Jesus Christ-like pose, pistols in each hand, spinning around to clear a room.

Joel: How fucking cool is that?


Resident Evil (2002)
Joel: This moving has kicking dogs in the face.
K-I-C-K-I-N-G D-O-G-S I-N T-H-E F-A C-E.
Why are you still reading this?



Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Michael: People, over time, have generally gotten more attractive. Larger, more round breasts, prettier faces, you know, survival of the fittest. Ever see picture of women from 1776? Did you ever see an Eleanor Roosevelt? So what I want to know is, if we're evolving to be more as God intended, why does everyone look so friggin' creepy in this futuristic movie? The actors are a bunch of dead-eyed things that should have been aborted in the fourth trimester. If the future is anything like Final Fantasy, cast haste on me and let Sephiroth put me down like Aeris.


The Wizard (1989)
Joel: Strictly speaking, this is not based on a video game, but it is essentially a feature-legnth Nintendo commercial for the Power Glove and Super Mario Bros. 3, which is still pretty fuckin' sweet.

Michael: And it has that eloquent speaker of a kid from The Wonder Years and Little Monsters.

Joel: I'd like to say, "I Love My Power Glove. It's So Bad."

Michael: Whatever, people still don't get your references. This movie has it all. A fake dinosaur, inappropriate touching of a young girl and an inside look at the Nintendo hint line.

Joel: And if that's not enough, it teaches viewers life's number one lesson.

Michael: And that is?

Joel: If you follow a child with autism who keeps shouting "California" your dreams will come true -

Michael: - My career path, coincidentally -

Joel: -You'll get to play cool games and get the girl. And if all else fails, at least you've got a little Rain Man to make fun of.


Thursday, November 13, 2008

Michael and Joel playing games, will return for review tomorrow

Michael and Joel announced today from your mom's bedroom that they just weren't able to write a review last week because "This is the high tide of video game season, when all the biggest titles like Fallout 3, LittleBigPlanet, Left 4 Dead, Mirror's Edge, Far Cry 2, World of Warcraft expansions and Ninjatown hit shelves, overwhelming gamers with their awesomeness."

Oddly, we have only seen Michael struggling to get through the first stage in Transformers and Joel "playing" the never released Dreamcast adaptation of Phonebooth. Either way, they've been playing games instead of writing.

We were able to convince them, however, to take a break to write short reviews on their favorite movies inspired by video games. Those will appear, as things rarely do, on this site tomorrow. That is all.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Vote Early, Vote Often

The producers of Michael and Joel won't tell you who to vote for, but in the interest of being good Americans feel the need to remind everyone that today is Election Day.

Ba-ROCK THE VOTE!


If you are still riding the fence on who should be the next leader of the free world, check back to our election coverage here - http://michaelandjoel.blogspot.com/2008/10/politics-by-genre.html

Friday, October 31, 2008

A frightful Halloween review

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Happy Halloween, motherfuckers.

Michael: Yeah, time for some trick...

Joel: ...Or Treatin'

Michael: But first, a review from everyone's favorite critics.

Joel: And we searched the darkest depths of our black hearts to find the scariest movie we could think of for this frightful occasional.

Michael: Yeah! Erin Brockovich

Joel: More like Erin BrockoBITCH, am I right, Michael? Because what's scarier than a powerful women trying to take down a corporation with her boobs. That's why I went openly gay. Am I right, boys?

Michael: Erin Brockovich is the story of an unemployed single mother named Julia Roberts. It is the sequel to Pretty Woman, in which Roberts acted as a lady of the night and hooked up with Richard Gere--first mistake. A straight-to-DVD bridge between the films showed Richard Gere hooking up with another man, Chris O'Donnell, after the whole male race has turned gay, which is how Roberts has found herself in this unemployed, single mother position. It is also why no matter how many times she wears push-up bras in this movie, she is no closer to attaining her goals. That and she's just too old.

Julia Roberts has not aged well, above.

The title comes from a real female activist (you know the type) named Erin Brockovich who fought a gas & electric company that ALLEGEDLY tried to conceal water contamination it caused. It probably wasn't true; she was in reality likely just another deceptive, cold-blooded wench, looking for a sugar daddy so she can be housewife, drive a gas-guzzling SUV to The Jewel and bang the pool boy. After all, that's what all women aspire to, right? That and tricking you into having babies, claiming you spend more time at work than with your family, then divorcing you and taking half the revenues from Armageddon. Fucking harlots.

Hogan knows best what Michael Freakin' Bay is cookin'. If only we could solve our real-world problems by turning heel, donning black and delivering an atomic Hollywood leg drop to the Miss Elizabeth's of the world.

Joel: Am I right? And really, who gives a shit if there's poison in the water anyways? How else are we going to turn our kids into Alex Mack? Plus, it's only the poor communities anyways, and what are they doing for the world? If some poor people get super-babies because of negligence on the part of a major corporation only looking out for its own interests, then that's more than they deserve. Didn't hear the Indians complaining about plague blankets did you? No, because they were warm.

Lest you have forgotten Alex Mack featuring Jessica Alba.

And class-actions lawsuits are nothing like depicted in this film. After I made Batman & Robin, a rabid group of mom's basement-dwelling nerds--you know the type, the kind that can tell you how many pixels per inch were in the pussy they saw and line up 30-second mpeg clips in Real Player to make 3 minutes of spankable material (see: plaintiff Michael Bay)--filed a class action lawsuit claiming I tarnished the name of the series. I prepared big speeches, the kind you'd read in a Grisham novel, but the whole trial didn't last more than five minutes after the judge turned out to be a DC fan and fined me $5,000,000 and an hour of community service for every nipple, for a total of 5 hours. Ain't that a kick in the dick.

Michael Bay, second from right, front, after the nerd victory over Batman & Robin.

If you like this movie, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Steel Magnolias


Castration


Class-Action Lawsuits


Happy Halloween you little bastards. Have fun collecting candy! Remember, the best kind comes from strangers in vans, and unwrapped fruits that look like they have been tampered with. That just means they have a surprise inside. Poison candy gives you super powers. Enjoy!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Iron Man: Product Whore

By Michael and Joel (The Plumber)

Michael: Sorry about our disappearance two weeks ago, folks, but Joel and I just HAD to go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua...five times.

Joel: Yep, Michael. Economy is in the shitter. Time to see a talking dog movie.

Michael: You said it! And, Rock Band came out last month, so we had to relive our year of rocking in Ünclë Töm's Cäbïn.

Joel: Only without any real talent required.

Michael: True, but it's not like we had any back then. It sure was a hell of a lot of fun, though.

Joel: Yeah, until we found out Dan, our singer, had lice.

Dan actually had a bunch of these in his nappy ball hair. That's pretty disgusting when you see the photo and realize how big they are.

Michael: Yeah, we had to use Nix on our junk. That sucked about as much as the track list in Rock Band.

Joel: Where's Meatloaf, INXS, Fuckin' Seal!?!

Michael: Where is Ozzy's "Iron Man"?

Joel: Speaking of Iron Man. (*whispers* nice segue, Michael) I headed out to TARGET last month to pick up the TARGET-exclusive packaging of Iron Man that features a really awesome plastic Iron Man mask that flips open to reveal the discs on the 2-disc DVD or Blu-Ray.

Michael: Ahhh, I love TARGET.
You're right. This is really fucking awesome. Better run out to TARGET, bitches!

Joel: Yeah, TARGET meets all my needs, but lets get on to the review.

Michael: Frankly, I think it's a bit skeptical that this movie came out just a month before Halloween. Seems like a ploy to sell masks to kids for the holiday.

Joel: What?

Michael: Who am I kidding? I love swag. And I love this movie...kind of. I mean, it has it all. The problem is that almost everything it has is CGI--the flying, the explosions and Robert Downey Jr. All CGI.

Joel: Shit. I did blow with a CGI Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas?

Many people falsely believe this mugshot is of Robert Downey Jr. after he was busted for DUI, or a briefcase of coke or something, but that's entirely false. This mugshot is actually of a CGI Robert Downey Jr. The real Robert Downey Jr. hasn't been seen or gotten work in Hollywood since Air America (1990).

Michael: I didn't want to tell you this, but the blow was CGI too.

Joel: You're mom is CGI.

Michael: That's just childish. Now, despite the CGI, Iron Man packs a heavy impulse laser (punch) and clever one liners like...

"I need a good hamburger."

Michael: Then BAM! Burger King. Oh, that Tony Stark.
If we had to pinpoint one moment where the film's endorsements crossed the line, it would probably be this one.

Joel: Oh that Burger King, Michael. King of fast food.

Michael: Indeed, did you know you can now get the Loaded Steakhouse Burger value meal for just $2.99.

Joel: I don't think that's right.

Michael: I don't think your mom's right.

Joel: No, she isn't. My mom is liberal. She'll take it in all four orifices.

Michael: Well that's just inappropriate. What if kids are reading our blog?

Joel: What if your mom is reading our blog?

Michael: Anyways, I thought it was also very cool that they included Terrance Howard as a set up for Warhammer.

Joel: I'm pretty sure it's War Machine.

Michael: Whatever, it's the black Iron Man.

Joel: You're mom's the black Iron Man.

Michael: Touche.




This week's post was unofficially sponsored by Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator. By unofficially, we mean they in no way provided us any money and probably don't want the company's name associated with our blog, especially considering this comment about how bad their product tastes and turns your urine neon. But we drank a hell of a lot of it while writing this. Sorry. Brawndo...It's what plants crave.





If you like Iron Man, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Robocop - The original Iron Man, but with less CGI.

Our (wish list of) sponsors...Brawndo: Have it Your Way, Burger King: What Plants Crave, and Target: Say It Like It's French (It annoys the fuck out of their employees)

Chris O'Donnell

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

An Update

We, the producers of Michael and Joel: At the Movies (aka, the guys actually writing this stuff) would like to apologize for the lack of content, excuses, and general douchebaggery in the running of this site as of late. To be real for a moment, one of us fancies himself a professional writer by day (and night), while the other works while doing grad school. We often come up with creative projects that we don't really have the time to execute properly, and it probably sucks for anyone who tries to regularly follow what we do. While we love writing Michael and Joel, our other obligations pay the bills, score us cool shit or...I'm not really sure why one of us is still doing school. There's no tangible benefit there. But anyways, the point is that when something has to give, it's usually this little hobby of ours. I know some people have been checking the site and wondering where the content is. Rest assured, Michael and Joel is by no means dead (yet), and new content will be coming soon. October has been a brutal month as far as finding time is concerned. A lot of stuff to work on, lots of can't-miss recreational activities in our nearby city and other diversions. We wrote a "review" of Iron Man (though, please, don't expect much) that will likely go up Friday. Once we get over this hump (very soon), we'll get back to trying (and often failing) to be funny. Promise. Thanks for your patience. In the mean time, spread the word.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Friday, October 3, 2008

Politics by Genre

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Michael and I realized something this week. Roger Ebert, as stupid as he is, inspired a really good idea...once. He claimed it is important to know the favorite movies of presidents or would-be presidents, as taste in movies shows both culture and personality. I'm not sure if that's true; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit, but it gave us a hell of an idea.

Jackass (noun) - Roger Ebert

We feel the easiest way to pick the next president/vice-president is not based on economic policies, foreign relations or sexificationness, because who understands any of that stuff anyways. It should be based on you, the voter's, favorite movie genre. Why? Because it's the genre you will be living for the next four/eight years. So, without further adieu (thank you spellchecker), Michael and I have put together a guide of who to vote for based on your favorite genre...

Horror - McCain/Palin
George A. Romero would have a field day with this ticket. A) McCain looks like a zombie. B) Palin is the epitome of a B-actress. Didn't bother to practice her part, sounds like she's reading from cards, but kind of hot...for a second-rate aging star. C) We don't really have a C, but you'd have to agree this possibility is just scary.

Brrraaaaaaaaainnns!

Spaghetti Western - Bush
No brainer. Dude wears a cowboy hat, lives on a ranch, loves needless violence and he's a straight shooter (maybe too much so). Plus, he's the kind of guy who could bend the rules enough to get elected to a third term.

He may look like a dumb chimp, but George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush is the U S of A's sheriff, and he's got his finger on a hair trigger, ready to nuke the world.

Action/War/Rambo - McCain
John "Rambo" McClane McCain is Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone rolled into one really old, wrinkly package. Armed with a bandoleer of straight talk, McClane McCain is ready for 100 years of war. McCain lives by the words, "When war is in your blood, killing is as easy as breathing," which is getting exceedingly harder.

In Rambo 6, McCain battles geriatrics and fights the proverbial vietcong to keep his driver's license.

Drama - Hillary Clinton
Have you ever seen an on-screen cry as brilliant and downright sexy as those performed by Hilary Clinton. She was the Meg Ryan of the primaries--cute when she was young (according to one of our incredibly misguided producers), but not aging too well.


Comedy - (Michael) Palin
If you want a funny president why not vote for an orginal Monty Python member? He may have a controversial stance on birth control with his campaign song 'Every Sperm is Sacred,' but the best thing about President (Michael) Palin is John Cleese would be appointed Secretary of Silly Walks.

Michael Palin teaches children about sperm, above. Come to think of it, his campaign has been really inappropriate.

Documentary - Gore/Moore
D-U-H.
The favorite movies of the current eligible candidates ...
McCain - Top Gun/Maverick
Palin - The Flintstones/Jurassic Park
Obama - The Audacity of Hope (Coming 2010)
Biden - Abandoned Mom's Exposed
Bob Barr - Babar: King of the Elephants
Summer Blockbuster - Bay/Schumacher
Michael: Clearly one of the biggest powerhouse duos in Hollywood would make a great choice for leaders of the free world. After all, we know how to bring things towards a happy ending.
Joel: But of course, the endings would be even happier if I was the Commander in Chief.
Michael: Yeah...but you're not.
Joel: Well, I don't see why this can't be open for debate.
Michael: Fine, we can debate, but as president my first act was going to be to make you Chief of Nipples.
Joel: Really? I was going to make you Secretary of Special FX.
Michael: ...I love you.
Joel: I love you, too.
Michael: Vote Michael and Joel. A Happy Ending for America.


Suspense/Thriller/Silent - Palin
Michael: The key to a good suspense or thriller movie is not knowing what is coming next, and who knows less about the future (or present, or past) than Sarah Palin?
Joel: I'll have to get back to you on that, Michael.

Sure Palin looks great holding a fish, but ask her to name a fish, just one fish...

Porn - Obama/O'Donnell
This was the closest race, by far. For many hot-blooded, gun-toting American men, Palin might seem like the obvious choice here, but think about it for a second. Obama is a sexy man, and Palin's religious beliefs would restrict her films to only the missionary position and that gross ball-slapping va-jay-jay camera angle filled with man-ass, ending in pregnancy. Plus, we have reason to believe she's a squirter. Obama, on the other hand, is young, vibrant and black. Being a liberal also means he'd be willing to try some kinky shit. And with a running mate like O'Donnell, the only thing that's about to get beat...is the meat.

Dark Nights on Sandy Beaches 5: Super Wet Edition

Friday, September 26, 2008

Is This Spinal Tap?

By Michael and Joel

Michael: This...is...SPINAL TAP!!! I love declarative titles. Personally, I feel all movies should have a declarative statement for a title. I tried pitching This is The Island; Armaggeddon, I [Heart]; These are Bad Boys (II); You Should Watch The Lionel Richie Collection; and Hey, Look Over There! It's Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, Hollywood said declarative titles don't work.

Joel: Yeah, I pitched Now is the Time to Kill, Batman & Robin Aren't Gay, and You're in Bad Company, but the Jews just wouldn't allow it.

Michael: Last year, however, a "director" by the name of Rob Reiner invented the rockumentary and proved the exception of a rule, or made rules about exceptions, or something about accepting rules.

Either way, This is Spinal Tap offers a gritty look at life on the road as the world's first band that dared to turn the volume up to 11, and paved the way for a number of bands that realized some volume dials go as high as 100.

Spinal Tap also won the award for most vibrant album cover in 1985. Just kidding. That was just a joke. Shit we're funny.

The movie follows Spinal Tap, on the verge of the band's latest release "Smell the Glove" and their first American tour, and ultimately acts as a metaphor for how women have Yoko Ono'd some of history's greatest rock bands. It's like Some Kind of Monster, but the guys are better looking.

Spinal Tap was a seminal act that inspired a decade's worth of cock rock and the death of John Bonham, and Reiner's film does them justice.

Which one of these guys got laid the least? Give you a clue--mustache rides were not as popular as many often think, and if you're playing the bass, you might as well be wear a t-shirt that says "I don't want sex."

Joel: True, but what I was disappointed in was Reiner's poor editing choices, leaving audiences to witness some of the band's mishaps and many a Flix Video employee to incorrectly shelve this in the comedy section. Sure, it offers a real insight into the backstage lives of Spinal Tap's members, but having been in a band myself with Michael "Sick Styx" Bay, I know just how hard it can be to find one's way to the stage, or replace death-prone drummers.

Jack Starrett, our original drummer, died by when we flipped our tour jet in 1989. Frank Capra lost his wonderful life to a drug overdose in 1991. He was followed by Stanley Kubrick, whose skull was crushed in an orgy mishap during one of our aftershow parties. Guy Richie is currently the 21st drummer to keep the stool warm.

In fact, the movie brought back many memories of my year's with Ünclë Töm's Cäbïn - A GLAMorous Tribute to Warrant. We shared stages with Vital Signs: A Tribute to Survivor, Sha Na Now: The Sha Na Na Experance Revisited, and Great, Great White.

Uncle Tom's Cabin had a solid live run in the South, but an excess of accents in the name and a subtitle misspelling made it hard to find once the Google generation kicked in.

We even formed Damned Yankees, a tribute supergroup with members of the Mr. Roboto: A Night of Styx, Stranglehold: featuring Theodore Nuegeant III and Night Ranger, and headlined the second stage at the Iowa State Fair. Man, those were some crazy times...

Michael: Yeah, they sure were. A lot of fun, too, until you squandered all our money on yet another drug addiction, and sold the rights for our renditions to Erik Turner for an autographed copy of Cherry Pie, which you traded for a gallon of acid.

Joel: Don't start this shit with me. Just because you couldn't handle your mescaline doesn't mean I was going to stop partying with the groupies.

Michael: Yeah, well, I guess that was a good thing for me. I also didn't impregnate six women.

Joel: Seven, you forgot that chic from the Whitesnake video, Tawny Kitaen.

Michael: Time forgot Tawny Kitaen.


Michael and Joel give This is Spinal Tap: 12

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Indefinite Hiatus Part II

Michael and Joel, still at the high-security military base, announced today that they looked up "Indefinite Hiatus" on Urban Dictionary and realized they made a huge mistake. The decision to go on indefinite hiatus in the first place was misinformed, as the duo said they only did it because it seemed like such a popular trend in today's music scene, and admit that at the time they did not fully understand its meaning. They had no idea it would require splitting up and attempting solo careers. For all intents and purposes, the hiatus lasted roughly 6 minutes and the duo is proud to announce that they are back together and will review This is Spinal Tap on Friday.