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Friday, October 31, 2008

A frightful Halloween review

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Happy Halloween, motherfuckers.

Michael: Yeah, time for some trick...

Joel: ...Or Treatin'

Michael: But first, a review from everyone's favorite critics.

Joel: And we searched the darkest depths of our black hearts to find the scariest movie we could think of for this frightful occasional.

Michael: Yeah! Erin Brockovich

Joel: More like Erin BrockoBITCH, am I right, Michael? Because what's scarier than a powerful women trying to take down a corporation with her boobs. That's why I went openly gay. Am I right, boys?

Michael: Erin Brockovich is the story of an unemployed single mother named Julia Roberts. It is the sequel to Pretty Woman, in which Roberts acted as a lady of the night and hooked up with Richard Gere--first mistake. A straight-to-DVD bridge between the films showed Richard Gere hooking up with another man, Chris O'Donnell, after the whole male race has turned gay, which is how Roberts has found herself in this unemployed, single mother position. It is also why no matter how many times she wears push-up bras in this movie, she is no closer to attaining her goals. That and she's just too old.

Julia Roberts has not aged well, above.

The title comes from a real female activist (you know the type) named Erin Brockovich who fought a gas & electric company that ALLEGEDLY tried to conceal water contamination it caused. It probably wasn't true; she was in reality likely just another deceptive, cold-blooded wench, looking for a sugar daddy so she can be housewife, drive a gas-guzzling SUV to The Jewel and bang the pool boy. After all, that's what all women aspire to, right? That and tricking you into having babies, claiming you spend more time at work than with your family, then divorcing you and taking half the revenues from Armageddon. Fucking harlots.

Hogan knows best what Michael Freakin' Bay is cookin'. If only we could solve our real-world problems by turning heel, donning black and delivering an atomic Hollywood leg drop to the Miss Elizabeth's of the world.

Joel: Am I right? And really, who gives a shit if there's poison in the water anyways? How else are we going to turn our kids into Alex Mack? Plus, it's only the poor communities anyways, and what are they doing for the world? If some poor people get super-babies because of negligence on the part of a major corporation only looking out for its own interests, then that's more than they deserve. Didn't hear the Indians complaining about plague blankets did you? No, because they were warm.

Lest you have forgotten Alex Mack featuring Jessica Alba.

And class-actions lawsuits are nothing like depicted in this film. After I made Batman & Robin, a rabid group of mom's basement-dwelling nerds--you know the type, the kind that can tell you how many pixels per inch were in the pussy they saw and line up 30-second mpeg clips in Real Player to make 3 minutes of spankable material (see: plaintiff Michael Bay)--filed a class action lawsuit claiming I tarnished the name of the series. I prepared big speeches, the kind you'd read in a Grisham novel, but the whole trial didn't last more than five minutes after the judge turned out to be a DC fan and fined me $5,000,000 and an hour of community service for every nipple, for a total of 5 hours. Ain't that a kick in the dick.

Michael Bay, second from right, front, after the nerd victory over Batman & Robin.

If you like this movie, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Steel Magnolias


Class-Action Lawsuits

Happy Halloween you little bastards. Have fun collecting candy! Remember, the best kind comes from strangers in vans, and unwrapped fruits that look like they have been tampered with. That just means they have a surprise inside. Poison candy gives you super powers. Enjoy!

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