Iron Man: Product Whore

By Michael and Joel (The Plumber)

Michael: Sorry about our disappearance two weeks ago, folks, but Joel and I just HAD to go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua...five times.

Joel: Yep, Michael. Economy is in the shitter. Time to see a talking dog movie.

Michael: You said it! And, Rock Band came out last month, so we had to relive our year of rocking in Ünclë Töm's Cäbïn.

Joel: Only without any real talent required.

Michael: True, but it's not like we had any back then. It sure was a hell of a lot of fun, though.

Joel: Yeah, until we found out Dan, our singer, had lice.

Dan actually had a bunch of these in his nappy ball hair. That's pretty disgusting when you see the photo and realize how big they are.

Michael: Yeah, we had to use Nix on our junk. That sucked about as much as the track list in Rock Band.

Joel: Where's Meatloaf, INXS, Fuckin' Seal!?!

Michael: Where is Ozzy's "Iron Man"?

Joel: Speaking of Iron Man. (*whispers* nice segue, Michael) I headed out to TARGET last month to pick up the TARGET-exclusive packaging of Iron Man that features a really awesome plastic Iron Man mask that flips open to reveal the discs on the 2-disc DVD or Blu-Ray.

Michael: Ahhh, I love TARGET.

You're right. This is really fucking awesome. Better run out to TARGET, bitches!

Joel: Yeah, TARGET meets all my needs, but lets get on to the review.

Michael: Frankly, I think it's a bit skeptical that this movie came out just a month before Halloween. Seems like a ploy to sell masks to kids for the holiday.

Joel: What?

Michael: Who am I kidding? I love swag. And I love this movie...kind of. I mean, it has it all. The problem is that almost everything it has is CGI--the flying, the explosions and Robert Downey Jr. All CGI.

Joel: Shit. I did blow with a CGI Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas?

Many people falsely believe this mugshot is of Robert Downey Jr. after he was busted for DUI, or a briefcase of coke or something, but that's entirely false. This mugshot is actually of a CGI Robert Downey Jr. The real Robert Downey Jr. hasn't been seen or gotten work in Hollywood since Air America (1990).

Michael: I didn't want to tell you this, but the blow was CGI too.

Joel: You're mom is CGI.

Michael: That's just childish. Now, despite the CGI, Iron Man packs a heavy impulse laser (punch) and clever one liners like...

"I need a good hamburger."

Michael: Then BAM! Burger King. Oh, that Tony Stark.

If we had to pinpoint one moment where the film's endorsements crossed the line, it would probably be this one.

Joel: Oh that Burger King, Michael. King of fast food.

Michael: Indeed, did you know you can now get the Loaded Steakhouse Burger value meal for just $2.99.

Joel: I don't think that's right.

Michael: I don't think your mom's right.

Joel: No, she isn't. My mom is liberal. She'll take it in all four orifices.

Michael: Well that's just inappropriate. What if kids are reading our blog?

Joel: What if your mom is reading our blog?

Michael: Anyways, I thought it was also very cool that they included Terrance Howard as a set up for Warhammer.

Joel: I'm pretty sure it's War Machine.

Michael: Whatever, it's the black Iron Man.

Joel: You're mom's the black Iron Man.

Michael: Touche.




This week's post was unofficially sponsored by Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator. By unofficially, we mean they in no way provided us any money and probably don't want the company's name associated with our blog, especially considering this comment about how bad their product tastes and turns your urine neon. But we drank a hell of a lot of it while writing this. Sorry. Brawndo...It's what plants crave.





If you like Iron Man, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Robocop - The original Iron Man, but with less CGI.

Our (wish list of) sponsors...Brawndo: Have it Your Way, Burger King: What Plants Crave, and Target: Say It Like It's French (It annoys the fuck out of their employees)

Chris O'Donnell