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Friday, October 3, 2008

Politics by Genre

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Michael and I realized something this week. Roger Ebert, as stupid as he is, inspired a really good idea...once. He claimed it is important to know the favorite movies of presidents or would-be presidents, as taste in movies shows both culture and personality. I'm not sure if that's true; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit, but it gave us a hell of an idea.

Jackass (noun) - Roger Ebert

We feel the easiest way to pick the next president/vice-president is not based on economic policies, foreign relations or sexificationness, because who understands any of that stuff anyways. It should be based on you, the voter's, favorite movie genre. Why? Because it's the genre you will be living for the next four/eight years. So, without further adieu (thank you spellchecker), Michael and I have put together a guide of who to vote for based on your favorite genre...

Horror - McCain/Palin
George A. Romero would have a field day with this ticket. A) McCain looks like a zombie. B) Palin is the epitome of a B-actress. Didn't bother to practice her part, sounds like she's reading from cards, but kind of hot...for a second-rate aging star. C) We don't really have a C, but you'd have to agree this possibility is just scary.


Spaghetti Western - Bush
No brainer. Dude wears a cowboy hat, lives on a ranch, loves needless violence and he's a straight shooter (maybe too much so). Plus, he's the kind of guy who could bend the rules enough to get elected to a third term.

He may look like a dumb chimp, but George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush is the U S of A's sheriff, and he's got his finger on a hair trigger, ready to nuke the world.

Action/War/Rambo - McCain
John "Rambo" McClane McCain is Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone rolled into one really old, wrinkly package. Armed with a bandoleer of straight talk, McClane McCain is ready for 100 years of war. McCain lives by the words, "When war is in your blood, killing is as easy as breathing," which is getting exceedingly harder.

In Rambo 6, McCain battles geriatrics and fights the proverbial vietcong to keep his driver's license.

Drama - Hillary Clinton
Have you ever seen an on-screen cry as brilliant and downright sexy as those performed by Hilary Clinton. She was the Meg Ryan of the primaries--cute when she was young (according to one of our incredibly misguided producers), but not aging too well.

Comedy - (Michael) Palin
If you want a funny president why not vote for an orginal Monty Python member? He may have a controversial stance on birth control with his campaign song 'Every Sperm is Sacred,' but the best thing about President (Michael) Palin is John Cleese would be appointed Secretary of Silly Walks.

Michael Palin teaches children about sperm, above. Come to think of it, his campaign has been really inappropriate.

Documentary - Gore/Moore
The favorite movies of the current eligible candidates ...
McCain - Top Gun/Maverick
Palin - The Flintstones/Jurassic Park
Obama - The Audacity of Hope (Coming 2010)
Biden - Abandoned Mom's Exposed
Bob Barr - Babar: King of the Elephants
Summer Blockbuster - Bay/Schumacher
Michael: Clearly one of the biggest powerhouse duos in Hollywood would make a great choice for leaders of the free world. After all, we know how to bring things towards a happy ending.
Joel: But of course, the endings would be even happier if I was the Commander in Chief.
Michael: Yeah...but you're not.
Joel: Well, I don't see why this can't be open for debate.
Michael: Fine, we can debate, but as president my first act was going to be to make you Chief of Nipples.
Joel: Really? I was going to make you Secretary of Special FX.
Michael: ...I love you.
Joel: I love you, too.
Michael: Vote Michael and Joel. A Happy Ending for America.

Suspense/Thriller/Silent - Palin
Michael: The key to a good suspense or thriller movie is not knowing what is coming next, and who knows less about the future (or present, or past) than Sarah Palin?
Joel: I'll have to get back to you on that, Michael.

Sure Palin looks great holding a fish, but ask her to name a fish, just one fish...

Porn - Obama/O'Donnell
This was the closest race, by far. For many hot-blooded, gun-toting American men, Palin might seem like the obvious choice here, but think about it for a second. Obama is a sexy man, and Palin's religious beliefs would restrict her films to only the missionary position and that gross ball-slapping va-jay-jay camera angle filled with man-ass, ending in pregnancy. Plus, we have reason to believe she's a squirter. Obama, on the other hand, is young, vibrant and black. Being a liberal also means he'd be willing to try some kinky shit. And with a running mate like O'Donnell, the only thing that's about to get the meat.

Dark Nights on Sandy Beaches 5: Super Wet Edition

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