A frightful Halloween review

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Happy Halloween, motherfuckers.

Michael: Yeah, time for some trick...

Joel: ...Or Treatin'

Michael: But first, a review from everyone's favorite critics.

Joel: And we searched the darkest depths of our black hearts to find the scariest movie we could think of for this frightful occasional.

Michael: Yeah! Erin Brockovich

Joel: More like Erin BrockoBITCH, am I right, Michael? Because what's scarier than a powerful women trying to take down a corporation with her boobs. That's why I went openly gay. Am I right, boys?

Michael: Erin Brockovich is the story of an unemployed single mother named Julia Roberts. It is the sequel to Pretty Woman, in which Roberts acted as a lady of the night and hooked up with Richard Gere--first mistake. A straight-to-DVD bridge between the films showed Richard Gere hooking up with another man, Chris O'Donnell, after the whole male race has turned gay, which is how Roberts has found herself in this unemployed, single mother position. It is also why no matter how many times she wears push-up bras in this movie, she is no closer to attaining her goals. That and she's just too old.

Julia Roberts has not aged well, above.

The title comes from a real female activist (you know the type) named Erin Brockovich who fought a gas & electric company that ALLEGEDLY tried to conceal water contamination it caused. It probably wasn't true; she was in reality likely just another deceptive, cold-blooded wench, looking for a sugar daddy so she can be housewife, drive a gas-guzzling SUV to The Jewel and bang the pool boy. After all, that's what all women aspire to, right? That and tricking you into having babies, claiming you spend more time at work than with your family, then divorcing you and taking half the revenues from Armageddon. Fucking harlots.

Hogan knows best what Michael Freakin' Bay is cookin'. If only we could solve our real-world problems by turning heel, donning black and delivering an atomic Hollywood leg drop to the Miss Elizabeth's of the world.

Joel: Am I right? And really, who gives a shit if there's poison in the water anyways? How else are we going to turn our kids into Alex Mack? Plus, it's only the poor communities anyways, and what are they doing for the world? If some poor people get super-babies because of negligence on the part of a major corporation only looking out for its own interests, then that's more than they deserve. Didn't hear the Indians complaining about plague blankets did you? No, because they were warm.

Lest you have forgotten Alex Mack featuring Jessica Alba.

And class-actions lawsuits are nothing like depicted in this film. After I made Batman & Robin, a rabid group of mom's basement-dwelling nerds--you know the type, the kind that can tell you how many pixels per inch were in the pussy they saw and line up 30-second mpeg clips in Real Player to make 3 minutes of spankable material (see: plaintiff Michael Bay)--filed a class action lawsuit claiming I tarnished the name of the series. I prepared big speeches, the kind you'd read in a Grisham novel, but the whole trial didn't last more than five minutes after the judge turned out to be a DC fan and fined me $5,000,000 and an hour of community service for every nipple, for a total of 5 hours. Ain't that a kick in the dick.

Michael Bay, second from right, front, after the nerd victory over Batman & Robin.

If you like this movie, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Steel Magnolias

Castration

Class-Action Lawsuits


Happy Halloween you little bastards. Have fun collecting candy! Remember, the best kind comes from strangers in vans, and unwrapped fruits that look like they have been tampered with. That just means they have a surprise inside. Poison candy gives you super powers. Enjoy!

Iron Man: Product Whore

By Michael and Joel (The Plumber)

Michael: Sorry about our disappearance two weeks ago, folks, but Joel and I just HAD to go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua...five times.

Joel: Yep, Michael. Economy is in the shitter. Time to see a talking dog movie.

Michael: You said it! And, Rock Band came out last month, so we had to relive our year of rocking in Ünclë Töm's Cäbïn.

Joel: Only without any real talent required.

Michael: True, but it's not like we had any back then. It sure was a hell of a lot of fun, though.

Joel: Yeah, until we found out Dan, our singer, had lice.

Dan actually had a bunch of these in his nappy ball hair. That's pretty disgusting when you see the photo and realize how big they are.

Michael: Yeah, we had to use Nix on our junk. That sucked about as much as the track list in Rock Band.

Joel: Where's Meatloaf, INXS, Fuckin' Seal!?!

Michael: Where is Ozzy's "Iron Man"?

Joel: Speaking of Iron Man. (*whispers* nice segue, Michael) I headed out to TARGET last month to pick up the TARGET-exclusive packaging of Iron Man that features a really awesome plastic Iron Man mask that flips open to reveal the discs on the 2-disc DVD or Blu-Ray.

Michael: Ahhh, I love TARGET.

You're right. This is really fucking awesome. Better run out to TARGET, bitches!

Joel: Yeah, TARGET meets all my needs, but lets get on to the review.

Michael: Frankly, I think it's a bit skeptical that this movie came out just a month before Halloween. Seems like a ploy to sell masks to kids for the holiday.

Joel: What?

Michael: Who am I kidding? I love swag. And I love this movie...kind of. I mean, it has it all. The problem is that almost everything it has is CGI--the flying, the explosions and Robert Downey Jr. All CGI.

Joel: Shit. I did blow with a CGI Robert Downey Jr. in Vegas?

Many people falsely believe this mugshot is of Robert Downey Jr. after he was busted for DUI, or a briefcase of coke or something, but that's entirely false. This mugshot is actually of a CGI Robert Downey Jr. The real Robert Downey Jr. hasn't been seen or gotten work in Hollywood since Air America (1990).

Michael: I didn't want to tell you this, but the blow was CGI too.

Joel: You're mom is CGI.

Michael: That's just childish. Now, despite the CGI, Iron Man packs a heavy impulse laser (punch) and clever one liners like...

"I need a good hamburger."

Michael: Then BAM! Burger King. Oh, that Tony Stark.

If we had to pinpoint one moment where the film's endorsements crossed the line, it would probably be this one.

Joel: Oh that Burger King, Michael. King of fast food.

Michael: Indeed, did you know you can now get the Loaded Steakhouse Burger value meal for just $2.99.

Joel: I don't think that's right.

Michael: I don't think your mom's right.

Joel: No, she isn't. My mom is liberal. She'll take it in all four orifices.

Michael: Well that's just inappropriate. What if kids are reading our blog?

Joel: What if your mom is reading our blog?

Michael: Anyways, I thought it was also very cool that they included Terrance Howard as a set up for Warhammer.

Joel: I'm pretty sure it's War Machine.

Michael: Whatever, it's the black Iron Man.

Joel: You're mom's the black Iron Man.

Michael: Touche.




This week's post was unofficially sponsored by Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator. By unofficially, we mean they in no way provided us any money and probably don't want the company's name associated with our blog, especially considering this comment about how bad their product tastes and turns your urine neon. But we drank a hell of a lot of it while writing this. Sorry. Brawndo...It's what plants crave.





If you like Iron Man, Michael and Joel also recommend...

Robocop - The original Iron Man, but with less CGI.

Our (wish list of) sponsors...Brawndo: Have it Your Way, Burger King: What Plants Crave, and Target: Say It Like It's French (It annoys the fuck out of their employees)

Chris O'Donnell

An Update

We, the producers of Michael and Joel: At the Movies (aka, the guys actually writing this stuff) would like to apologize for the lack of content, excuses, and general douchebaggery in the running of this site as of late. To be real for a moment, one of us fancies himself a professional writer by day (and night), while the other works while doing grad school. We often come up with creative projects that we don't really have the time to execute properly, and it probably sucks for anyone who tries to regularly follow what we do. While we love writing Michael and Joel, our other obligations pay the bills, score us cool shit or...I'm not really sure why one of us is still doing school. There's no tangible benefit there. But anyways, the point is that when something has to give, it's usually this little hobby of ours. I know some people have been checking the site and wondering where the content is. Rest assured, Michael and Joel is by no means dead (yet), and new content will be coming soon. October has been a brutal month as far as finding time is concerned. A lot of stuff to work on, lots of can't-miss recreational activities in our nearby city and other diversions. We wrote a "review" of Iron Man (though, please, don't expect much) that will likely go up Friday. Once we get over this hump (very soon), we'll get back to trying (and often failing) to be funny. Promise. Thanks for your patience. In the mean time, spread the word.

Why no review today?

+


+


Need we say more?

New review next Friday.

Politics by Genre

By Michael and Joel

Joel: Michael and I realized something this week. Roger Ebert, as stupid as he is, inspired a really good idea...once. He claimed it is important to know the favorite movies of presidents or would-be presidents, as taste in movies shows both culture and personality. I'm not sure if that's true; in fact, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit, but it gave us a hell of an idea.

Jackass (noun) - Roger Ebert

We feel the easiest way to pick the next president/vice-president is not based on economic policies, foreign relations or sexificationness, because who understands any of that stuff anyways. It should be based on you, the voter's, favorite movie genre. Why? Because it's the genre you will be living for the next four/eight years. So, without further adieu (thank you spellchecker), Michael and I have put together a guide of who to vote for based on your favorite genre...

Horror - McCain/Palin
George A. Romero would have a field day with this ticket. A) McCain looks like a zombie. B) Palin is the epitome of a B-actress. Didn't bother to practice her part, sounds like she's reading from cards, but kind of hot...for a second-rate aging star. C) We don't really have a C, but you'd have to agree this possibility is just scary.

Brrraaaaaaaaainnns!

Spaghetti Western - Bush
No brainer. Dude wears a cowboy hat, lives on a ranch, loves needless violence and he's a straight shooter (maybe too much so). Plus, he's the kind of guy who could bend the rules enough to get elected to a third term.

He may look like a dumb chimp, but George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush is the U S of A's sheriff, and he's got his finger on a hair trigger, ready to nuke the world.

Action/War/Rambo - McCain
John "Rambo" McClane McCain is Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone rolled into one really old, wrinkly package. Armed with a bandoleer of straight talk, McClane McCain is ready for 100 years of war. McCain lives by the words, "When war is in your blood, killing is as easy as breathing," which is getting exceedingly harder.

In Rambo 6, McCain battles geriatrics and fights the proverbial vietcong to keep his driver's license.

Drama - Hillary Clinton
Have you ever seen an on-screen cry as brilliant and downright sexy as those performed by Hilary Clinton. She was the Meg Ryan of the primaries--cute when she was young (according to one of our incredibly misguided producers), but not aging too well.


Comedy - (Michael) Palin
If you want a funny president why not vote for an orginal Monty Python member? He may have a controversial stance on birth control with his campaign song 'Every Sperm is Sacred,' but the best thing about President (Michael) Palin is John Cleese would be appointed Secretary of Silly Walks.

Michael Palin teaches children about sperm, above. Come to think of it, his campaign has been really inappropriate.

Documentary - Gore/Moore
D-U-H.

The favorite movies of the current eligible candidates ...
McCain - Top Gun/Maverick
Palin - The Flintstones/Jurassic Park
Obama - The Audacity of Hope (Coming 2010)
Biden - Abandoned Mom's Exposed
Bob Barr - Babar: King of the Elephants

Summer Blockbuster - Bay/Schumacher
Michael: Clearly one of the biggest powerhouse duos in Hollywood would make a great choice for leaders of the free world. After all, we know how to bring things towards a happy ending.
Joel: But of course, the endings would be even happier if I was the Commander in Chief.
Michael: Yeah...but you're not.
Joel: Well, I don't see why this can't be open for debate.
Michael: Fine, we can debate, but as president my first act was going to be to make you Chief of Nipples.
Joel: Really? I was going to make you Secretary of Special FX.
Michael: ...I love you.
Joel: I love you, too.
Michael: Vote Michael and Joel. A Happy Ending for America.


Suspense/Thriller/Silent - Palin
Michael: The key to a good suspense or thriller movie is not knowing what is coming next, and who knows less about the future (or present, or past) than Sarah Palin?
Joel: I'll have to get back to you on that, Michael.

Sure Palin looks great holding a fish, but ask her to name a fish, just one fish...

Porn - Obama/O'Donnell
This was the closest race, by far. For many hot-blooded, gun-toting American men, Palin might seem like the obvious choice here, but think about it for a second. Obama is a sexy man, and Palin's religious beliefs would restrict her films to only the missionary position and that gross ball-slapping va-jay-jay camera angle filled with man-ass, ending in pregnancy. Plus, we have reason to believe she's a squirter. Obama, on the other hand, is young, vibrant and black. Being a liberal also means he'd be willing to try some kinky shit. And with a running mate like O'Donnell, the only thing that's about to get beat...is the meat.

Dark Nights on Sandy Beaches 5: Super Wet Edition