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New review next Friday.
Michael Bay and Joel Schumacher are esteemed directors-turned-critics who seek to right the wrongs of “film connoisseurs” at large. While many critics and members of the Academy of Motion Picture Whatever feel that believable acting, great direction, inspired cinematography, tight scripts and resonant messages make good films, their long-winded dissertations on the medium are really just hootenanny designed to make audiences feel like they understand what amount to really boring and confusing movie-going experiences. Fucking elitists. We, Michael and Joel, understand what audiences truly crave, which is why we dispel the bullshit from reviews to focus on what truly matters—big explosions, all-too-clever one liners, awe-inspiring shots of actors looking awe-struck by awesome situations, rock bands with orchestral accompaniment [or Meat Loaf (Meat Loaf is pretty fuckin’ rad) —ed note: Michael] , nice breasts, lots of them, endless gunfire, abundant CGI, more explosions and tacky double entendre [and rubber suits, preferably with nipples—ed note: Joel]. The point is that we know what makes good movies—despite our respective ratings on one collective movie reviews website—and that’s why you, the reader, will find some of the best reviews around on this here website. The two-person reviews are designed to offer spirited quasi-intellectual debates. Joel thought we should call it Joel and Michael, but fuck him! Welcome to Michael & Joel: At the Movies.
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