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Friday, November 14, 2008

Video games make the best movies

By Michael and Joel

Michael: Sorry for another week without a post.

Joel: Yeah, my mom was right. I won't get anywhere playing these games.

Michael: Yeah, games kind of suck.

Joel: Especially when they forget to tighten up the graphics on Level 3.

Michael: But the point is that they have inspired some phenomenal movies, so great that we might venture to call them films.

Joel: Indeed. Here is a look at some video game-inspired films from over the years.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Michael: Super Mario Bros., from day one, was destined to be a movie. It is a classic rags to riches story of two working-class plumbers -

Joel: -are there any other kind-

Michael: Who step up in a time of need to save the world and tag team it with a beautiful princess.

Joel: Mustache... rides... galore.

Michael: Graphically, the film was a marvel--a thousand times better than the drab, two-dimensional game. Sweet fireball effects, Yoshi was rightfully changed into a goddamned ugly dinosaur (is fuggliosaurus a thing?), Mojo Nixon as Toad and the Bomb-ombs were kicking it in style with their Reboks.

Joel: [shudders] It gives me flashbacks.

Michael: The only disappointing thing about this movie is that 15 years after its release, the sequel is still trapped in another castle (ed note - industry code for development hell). Now I may never know what happens after that cliffhanger ending where...well... we don't want to spoil anything for you n00bs.

Street Fighter (1994)
[Soon on blu-ray at all fine retailers]

Michael: This movie brings with it something that this site has been lacking since its inception.

Joel: Yeah, Jean Claude Van-Fuckin' Damm..mme

Michael: And Van Damne Dancing.

Joel: And it had quite the bitchin' soundtrack featuring an MC Hammer and Deoin Sanders collaboration, Rally Ral and Kylie Minogue.

Michael: Oh, I can't get her out of my head.

Joel: I'm gay.

Michael: So true. But you've got Van Damme in a beret to ogle.

Joel: So true. But while this box-office success propelled the careers of many and gave gamers a Hard-duken, it permanently TIGER UPPERCUTTED the career of Gomez Adams.

Michael: Ah, puns.

Mortal Kombat (1995)
Joel: Then there's a movie that koined the eternal phrase: "Those were $500 sunglasses, you asshole."

Michael: I'm still pretty sure that phrase hasn't pikked up quite as much as you think it has.

Joel: How about "It has begun!!!"

Michael: What has?

Joel: "Get over here!"

Michael: Where?

Joel: "What I want to know is, if this Shang Tsung guy is so great, why's he got sukh a krummy-looking boat? "

Michael: I don't think anyone knows what you're talking about at this point.


Michael: Anyways...

Joel: Da dant da dant da daahnt da dant da dant da daahnt

Michael: The action sequenkes are bar-none

Joel: da-daa du du du du da-de-ee da-daa du du du du

Michael: Though there was some kharacter konfusion with Khristopher Lambert from Highlander showing up (being immortal with elektrikity and all). Why doesn't he just fight them? What a kokkbag.

Joel: dunt dunt dunt dunt dunt dee

Michael: Kut it out.


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
Michael: Females aren't really good for video game characters unless, you know, unless they have giant breasts powered by unnatural physics. And the Tomb Raider series' improvements have basically centered around the increasing size and boyancy of Lara Croft's breasts.

Joel: Which is why the Womb Raider movie is so great. It's just huge breasts and sex. If the game was more like this, it would have sold a zagillion copies.

Michael: Joel...that's know what...I'm not even going to correct you. It's all porn anyways.

Hitman (2007)
Michael: I never watched this movie, because I never needed to. The trailer does for me everything I could ever ask of a movie. In the mere 30 seconds of brilliant editing included in the TV spot, we see the film's main character, Agent 47, extending his arms in a Jesus Christ-like pose, pistols in each hand, spinning around to clear a room.

Joel: How fucking cool is that?

Resident Evil (2002)
Joel: This moving has kicking dogs in the face.
K-I-C-K-I-N-G D-O-G-S I-N T-H-E F-A C-E.
Why are you still reading this?

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Michael: People, over time, have generally gotten more attractive. Larger, more round breasts, prettier faces, you know, survival of the fittest. Ever see picture of women from 1776? Did you ever see an Eleanor Roosevelt? So what I want to know is, if we're evolving to be more as God intended, why does everyone look so friggin' creepy in this futuristic movie? The actors are a bunch of dead-eyed things that should have been aborted in the fourth trimester. If the future is anything like Final Fantasy, cast haste on me and let Sephiroth put me down like Aeris.

The Wizard (1989)
Joel: Strictly speaking, this is not based on a video game, but it is essentially a feature-legnth Nintendo commercial for the Power Glove and Super Mario Bros. 3, which is still pretty fuckin' sweet.

Michael: And it has that eloquent speaker of a kid from The Wonder Years and Little Monsters.

Joel: I'd like to say, "I Love My Power Glove. It's So Bad."

Michael: Whatever, people still don't get your references. This movie has it all. A fake dinosaur, inappropriate touching of a young girl and an inside look at the Nintendo hint line.

Joel: And if that's not enough, it teaches viewers life's number one lesson.

Michael: And that is?

Joel: If you follow a child with autism who keeps shouting "California" your dreams will come true -

Michael: - My career path, coincidentally -

Joel: -You'll get to play cool games and get the girl. And if all else fails, at least you've got a little Rain Man to make fun of.

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