Never Tomorrow Forever With Love
Pretty self explanatory if you're not retarded, Mark.
Ben "Afflack" Affleck - The dude...gave it his best effort...as a director, but Ben "Afflack" Affleck kicks so much more ass when he's acting (the aptly titled Paycheck, anyone?)
To arrive at "Afflack" Affleck, we first eliminated all true Brits from the mix. Sean Connery was the best to date (Scottish), and then what? Silly bastards that might have been great if they were poncing around in a Shakespearean play with that Damn Judi Dench, but this is James Fuckin' Bond. Who better to play a British spy than a sexy American actor who already saved the world from something as ridiculous as a killer asteroid? Maybe Kanyon, but nobody is going to get that reference. So, we thought about casting Bruce Willis for this role, but no one is going to take that geez seriously after The Return of Bruno, his unappreciated (read: colossal flop of a) blues album, or the Justin Long vehicle Die Hard 4. So we were left with "Afflack" Affleck, the super-cool sonofabitch that brought the world Reindeer Games. And there's your James Bond.
Our Supporting Cast
Megan Fox as
Judi Dench may be a respectable actress with actual talent, but damn is it hard getting all that saggy flesh in frame, or watching it for that matter. So in our film, we pay due to the classic M character by giving her one last blazing run with an AK-47 through a Russian prison camp before she gets caught in a hail of velocal raptors (crazy Russians) and dies in a blaze fueled by formaldehyde before she gets replaced by T&A, ushering in a new generation of tent-pitching Bond fans.
Hero Nakatomi from Hiros as Q
This bullshit about English technology experts has to end. Think about it, man. The English still have a huge tower dedicated to a clock. They can put those things on your wrists or cell phones now. Japan went mind-time years ago while the rest of the "modern" world is still stuck in digital. Which is why we need that mind-time expert from Hiros, Hero Nakatomi to run the gadget department. Asians are smart. It's a fact. That's why we all cheated off them while at UCLA.
Curtis Jackson as G (The American Spy)
American intelligence is an oxymoron and Bond movies always makes sure to include at least one dumb American spy from which James Bond gathers (read: doops out of) intel. And who is dumber, yet socially more appealing (and downright fucking terrifying to your grandma) than Curtis Jackson. (Joel ed note - I was pulling for Fiddy Cent).
Sacha Borat Cohen as Dr. O. Fu--
Got to have a weird foreign actor for the bad guy, right? How else will everyone in the civilized (read: English-speaking) world know who to root for? Like all Bond bad guys, he will be sporting some sort of facial deformation. Dr. O. Fu-- is fighting a bout of Bell's Palsy which causes the right side of his face to occaisional droop and turn some of his sentences into asdfasdf4w3hbq,kfgdasdf,ujusdf34tdnv b hng.
Robert Pattinson as Iama Kumdumpster
This chick is new to the scene and has a lot of buzz for starring in the upcoming (Joel: heh heh upcoming) Twilight. What better way for her to keep the fame-train chugging then to have Bond give her the old in-out as the requisite Bond girl that does get screwed.
Damsel N Distress - Miley Cyrus
This girl is turning into a little slut, but isn't quite in the Lindsay Lohan whorehouse yet. Perfect timing to bring Bond to the tween demographic. And what a role for the hellspawn of Mr. Achy-Breaky himself. She can keep her respectability (the damsel never goes to bed with James on screen) while teasing that eventual dive into the gutter followed by obscurity (we all know she gets nailed shortly after the credits before Bond moves onto the next one).
Richard Kiel as Jaws
All the best Bond movies have Jaws; this one will be no exception.
So this dude is all like, "I bet the World Bank will give me an obscene amount of money if I threaten to send a missile into the sun." So he makes this evil base in an Ice Mountain volcano in Siberia. So this hot chick calls Bond and tells him he has to stop it because her country is too poor to just put up the money to save the goddamned fucking sun. Bond doesn't know this, but they are lying to him so he can stop the Doritos Spicy Fiestafield missile threat while Tom Cruise's MI3 pockets the ransom money. Before Bond goes to stop them he bangs Iama Kumdumpster at a Red Roof Inn then she dies from Lupus. Bond surfs into the Ice Mountian volcano because he was taught how to surf by 50 Cent. His AMP energy drink branded surfboard has an Epic flame thrower attached because the Asian Samsung dude made it for him. Fiddy Cent, who was thought to have died in surfing mishap, returns to announce he was framed by MI3 (a Tom Cruise Joint). $0.50 rides the missile into outer space, sacrificing himself while Bond makes a quick escape back to Earth in the Sony PlayStation 3 escape pod, now on blu-ray, and MI3, ravaged by the events of Never Tomorrow Forever With Love, gets a $700 billion bailout from the U.S. government. The end.
James Bond will return in Someday Never Moreover Less Rhinopussy 4 Free