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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Never Tomorrow Forever With Love

Michael: Earlier this month the 24th Bond movie (including the real Casino Royale), Quantum of Solace, was secreted into theaters by EON (Eternity of Nonsense) Films, and it goes without saying that it was complete and utter crap, a problem that would have been easily correctly by Joel and I sharing a warm director's seat. Ever since I was a Wee Freakin' Bay my dream was to direct James Bond, as he is a reflection of my real life - blowing crap up with expensive gadgets, driving fast cars, and getting some boom-boom-bam-bam lovin' without all the baggage. So instead of doing the standard Quantum of Solace review other so called critics have given readers in recent weeks, we thought we'd share with our awesome readers how we would make the ultimate James Bond film (25), which would then allow Sony to expand its "Ultimate" collection 15, releasing a new set next year for the unsuspecting bastards that thought they already bought the "Ultimate" collection last year. And fuck your hi-def TVs, blu-ray was so last year. You n00bs were pwned by brilliant marketing. Get ready for super-lazer vision.

Joel: Word.

Our Title
Never Tomorrow Forever With Love
Pretty self explanatory if you're not retarded, Mark.

Our Bond

Ben "Afflack" Affleck - The dude...gave it his best a director, but Ben "Afflack" Affleck kicks so much more ass when he's acting (the aptly titled Paycheck, anyone?)

To arrive at "Afflack" Affleck, we first eliminated all true Brits from the mix. Sean Connery was the best to date (Scottish), and then what? Silly bastards that might have been great if they were poncing around in a Shakespearean play with that Damn Judi Dench, but this is James Fuckin' Bond. Who better to play a British spy than a sexy American actor who already saved the world from something as ridiculous as a killer asteroid? Maybe Kanyon, but nobody is going to get that reference. So, we thought about casting Bruce Willis for this role, but no one is going to take that geez seriously after The Return of Bruno, his unappreciated (read: colossal flop of a) blues album, or the Justin Long vehicle Die Hard 4. So we were left with "Afflack" Affleck, the super-cool sonofabitch that brought the world Reindeer Games. And there's your James Bond.

We took one look at this photo and were pretty damn sure we made the right choice.

Our Supporting Cast

Megan Fox as M T&A
Judi Dench may be a respectable actress with actual talent, but damn is it hard getting all that saggy flesh in frame, or watching it for that matter. So in our film, we pay due to the classic M character by giving her one last blazing run with an AK-47 through a Russian prison camp before she gets caught in a hail of velocal raptors (crazy Russians) and dies in a blaze fueled by formaldehyde before she gets replaced by T&A, ushering in a new generation of tent-pitching Bond fans.

Aaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!! (breath) Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

Hero Nakatomi from Hiros as Q
This bullshit about English technology experts has to end. Think about it, man. The English still have a huge tower dedicated to a clock. They can put those things on your wrists or cell phones now. Japan went mind-time years ago while the rest of the "modern" world is still stuck in digital. Which is why we need that mind-time expert from Hiros, Hero Nakatomi to run the gadget department. Asians are smart. It's a fact. That's why we all cheated off them while at UCLA.

"Nanoo, Nanoo" was originally mistranslated as a salutation in English. It is actually more closely associated with a Japanese phrase that means "Later, bitches. I'm 'bout to teleport up out this motherfucker."

Curtis Jackson as G (The American Spy)

American intelligence is an oxymoron and Bond movies always makes sure to include at least one dumb American spy from which James Bond gathers (read: doops out of) intel. And who is dumber, yet socially more appealing (and downright fucking terrifying to your grandma) than Curtis Jackson. (Joel ed note - I was pulling for Fiddy Cent).

For a spy disguise, Curtis Jackson will exploit his ghetto background in a sly attempt at marketing ruthless gang culture and criminal actions to a new generation of wannabe hoodlums who could have overcome their situation if they just had Michelle Pfeiffer as a teacher.

Sacha Borat Cohen as Dr. O. Fu--
Got to have a weird foreign actor for the bad guy, right? How else will everyone in the civilized (read: English-speaking) world know who to root for? Like all Bond bad guys, he will be sporting some sort of facial deformation. Dr. O. Fu-- is fighting a bout of Bell's Palsy which causes the right side of his face to occaisional droop and turn some of his sentences into asdfasdf4w3hbq,kfgdasdf,ujusdf34tdnv b hng.

If it were up to Dr. Oh Fu-- everyone from Alaska to Russia would have to wear one of these, causing a ridiculous amount of sunburn, in turn causing his stock in SPF 1000 to skyrocket. Evil. Fucking. Genious.

Robert Pattinson as Iama Kumdumpster
This chick is new to the scene and has a lot of buzz for starring in the upcoming (Joel: heh heh upcoming) Twilight. What better way for her to keep the fame-train chugging then to have Bond give her the old in-out as the requisite Bond girl that does get screwed.

This chick has got it going on. I bet "Afflack" Affleck can't wait to nail her.

Damsel N Distress - Miley Cyrus
This girl is turning into a little slut, but isn't quite in the Lindsay Lohan whorehouse yet. Perfect timing to bring Bond to the tween demographic. And what a role for the hellspawn of Mr. Achy-Breaky himself. She can keep her respectability (the damsel never goes to bed with James on screen) while teasing that eventual dive into the gutter followed by obscurity (we all know she gets nailed shortly after the credits before Bond moves onto the next one).

... ... ... er ... ... ...

Richard Kiel as Jaws
All the best Bond movies have Jaws; this one will be no exception.

Jaws got his awesome teeth after eating too much candy for Halloween. So kids, if you want to be a supervillian, no brushing.

So this dude is all like, "I bet the World Bank will give me an obscene amount of money if I threaten to send a missile into the sun." So he makes this evil base in an Ice Mountain volcano in Siberia. So this hot chick calls Bond and tells him he has to stop it because her country is too poor to just put up the money to save the goddamned fucking sun. Bond doesn't know this, but they are lying to him so he can stop the Doritos Spicy Fiestafield missile threat while Tom Cruise's MI3 pockets the ransom money. Before Bond goes to stop them he bangs Iama Kumdumpster at a Red Roof Inn then she dies from Lupus. Bond surfs into the Ice Mountian volcano because he was taught how to surf by 50 Cent. His AMP energy drink branded surfboard has an Epic flame thrower attached because the Asian Samsung dude made it for him. Fiddy Cent, who was thought to have died in surfing mishap, returns to announce he was framed by MI3 (a Tom Cruise Joint). $0.50 rides the missile into outer space, sacrificing himself while Bond makes a quick escape back to Earth in the Sony PlayStation 3 escape pod, now on blu-ray, and MI3, ravaged by the events of Never Tomorrow Forever With Love, gets a $700 billion bailout from the U.S. government. The end.

"Ta da!"
Matt Damon approves.

James Bond will return in Someday Never Moreover Less Rhinopussy 4 Free

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