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Friday, August 8, 2008

Dark Knight more like "Gay Night" at the movies

Michael: Balls! Six modern Batman movies have been made and they still haven't given Michael FREAKIN' Bay the chance to direct the series.

The Dark Knight (or Batman Begins 2) sees The Caped Crusader facing off against (aka Harvey Dent) and The Joker, as well as Scarecrow, who is dispatched like quite the bitch in this iteration. Christian Bale reprises his role as Batman under the "direction" of Christopher Nolan, a guy who got lucky on a time-shifting gimmick. Oh, look at me, everybody. I rearranged a movie so that it wasn't in order. This time his gimmick is shifting aspect ratio from widescreen to super fullscreen in IMAX. Don't think those scenes went unnoticed, Chris. That's amateur work.

Batman and The Joker watching The Dark Knight together, above. The Joker's inquisitive look is the result of an aspect ratio change.

And the plot is just riddled with goofs. One goof sees The Joker telling totally different back stories to various characters in the movie. This is either sloppy editing or two brothers who couldn't seem to agree on The Joker's origins when we all know Jack Nicholson became The Joker after falling into a vat of acid (his own syphalitic semen). Seriously, this movie is twice as confusing as Memento, and that movie made no sense whatsoever. I still can't figure out who Batman is. We thought it was Bruce Wayne, but then Harvey Dent says it is he, but which side of his face might it be, maybe it's Alfred the Butler, but he's just makin' tea. Busta Rhymes! At least audiences understood Bad Boys II, which the dicktarded critics didn't seem to understand. The beauty was in it's simplicity, guys.

To Nolan's credit he does use real stunts and explosions. He could have CG'd the exploding hospital, but instead he had the balls to blow up a real hospital. I don't even know that he had permission to do so, or whether he evacuated the place beforehand. Seriously--balls. Too bad he had Heath Ledger in a skirt. I assume it was the same skirt he wore in Brokeback Mountian, or did Gyllenhaal wear the skirt. Either way, Gay!

It was Donnie Darko's sister Maggie who took over for Katie "Mrs. Batshit Crazy" Holmes. Too bad Gyllenhaal's rack isn't supple as Holmes. If you notice, it was so bad Nolan decided not to feature it in any gratuitous shots. Why were women even included in this film without shots of their woman parts? Gyllenhaal just looks like a sad turtle. The sexy Catwoman should have returned in this this one, or at least (my choice) Kerri Kendall as Harley Quinn.

Maggie Gyllenhaal looks like a sad turtle. Too bad this isn't The Neverending Story, Maggie!

Finally, the music was atrocious and completely unmemorable. Where are the legendary rock bands being backed by orchestras...

Joel: Tell me about it! "Ba da ba da da ah ya I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grave." Where the hell is the alternative rock that music fans crave? Yeah, maybe the film is nearing the $400 million mark, but think of how much more it would have made if 225,000 people didn't need to go to Lollapalooza last weekend to get their rock fixes. At least the Watchmen trailer preceding the film knew what's up. This shit is performed by a faceless orchestra with no star power to speak of, written by Hanz Zimmer (who had to use the same theme for all three Pirates movies, presumably due to lack of creativity) and that's just bad, lazy business.

And what's with the costumes? Honestly, a lightweight, practical suit? Really? No nipples? How do you expect a movie to sell without nipples. Especially with Michael's point about the lack of tasty female parts, no nipples is definitely a no, no.

Alicia Silverstone (from left), George Clooney and Dick Grayson all showed nipple in Batman and Robin. Nolan should have taken a queue from a better director and smuggled some raisins in the Bat suit.

Unlike my counterpart, I did have the opportunity to direct two films in the esteemed series and have to ask, "Why the fuck did they not consu
lt me for a third?" Really? How did Gotham City get so dark? Where is the neon that used to light the streets? And Chicago? We filmmakers moved out to the West Coast to get away from this mediocre shit. Fucking Chicago? Really?

And in an open letter to Mr. Nolan, I have to ask, "Was it completely necessary to 'restart' the series? Did you have to fuck my shit up?" Everything I laid out in previous iterations of the series was all for naught. It is as if Frank Miller came in and rewrote Batman, and Nolan just ran with it. Miller was just a two-bit writer for Robocop 3 while I was cutting my teeth on this little series called Batman. Fucking Batman! T
hat bitch was just writing no-name comics and bankrupt movie scripts while I was working on the biggest IP in the business. What a bitch.

The groundwork I laid with Mr. Freeze was to
be epic, but this asshat just walks in and fucks up my shirt...shit. I'm drunk. But even drunk I created a better Batman than this asshole. At least my script made sense. Mr. Freeze wanted to freeze things, and Poison Ivy wanted to plant things--poisonous things. The Joker doesn't even tell good jokes in this film. Instead, the actor that portrayed him (God rest his soul) died. What's funny about that?

The death of Heath Ledger, the actor who played The Joker in The Dark Knight, is no joke. It would be insensitive for anyone to make jokes at his expense, and yet, Nolan found it appropriate to slather him in clown makeup and parade him around the screen as a fiendishly wicked criminal. Real nice.

The script is ultimately too busy and makes little sense. It also lacks the sense of realism that carried my films. Seriously, you have a bunch of characters running amuck without nipples. You call that realistic? I call it a Wrestlemania poster. And Cop #3--a supposedly well-trained Gotham City (I forget sometimes with this film's piss-poor set pieces) cop who neglects to fire his SHOTGUN in defense in one scene in which a convoy is attacked by The Joker and his henchmen. Yeah, I'm just not buying this film. And really, I didn't. I bought a ticket to Mamma Mia! and snuck into this film, correctly predicting it as a worthless experience. Save your money and go see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor instead, one of two Brendan Fraser masterpieces to hit theatres this summer season.

Michael and Joel give this film: Two faces down

1 comment:

Capt.Phukstik said...

I was just perturbed Danny DeVito wasn't cast in this sorry excuse for a comic book movie. I mean, what dark, twisted movie is complete without Danny Friggin' DeVito. He wouldn't even have to reprise his role as the Penguin, he could have been the lesser of two twins who were genetically engineered to be the
"perfect human," who, while were on the subject, could have been Mr. Freeze. He wouldn't have any special powers, of course, he would just run around with a briefcase containing $5 million. And he and Mr. Freeze's mom could be an abusive, ill-tempered malcontent who will only eat salted peanuts because the unsalted ones make her choke. Way to drop the ball on this one Nolan! What the hell!