Michael: Today, faithful readers, we want to talk to you about a little event in history called...The Holocaust. You might have heard of it? Guy named Adolf Hitler eradicated six million Jews? Old gas-in-the-shower Nazi trick?
Well, all right. No worries, we'll get you up to speed. But basically, "director" Steven Spielberg, more or less the Eric Bana of cinema, decided to...
Joel: Hey, Michael! Hey Michael!
You remember last week, when we reviewed Pineapple Express?
And we got high so that our review would have common themes with the film, even dragging it out this week to kind of recreate that final scene in the diner in Pineapple Express, which, in turn, was taking a rip at how stoners, when they get high, sit around and talk about what they did when they were high last time.
Joel, we've got a movie review to do. Please don't start.
Start? Start what? I'm not starting anything. What I'm trying to tell you is that I might have, kind of, sort of, been high on something other than weed...
Don't do this. It's only our third week with the blog...
Don't call it that.
Okay. It's only our third week with the site. Let's just do the review.
It was coke, Michael. Coke! I was high as a fuckin' kite on cocaine. And I've got a really, really big announcement to make before we do this re...re...[thump]
Joel? Yo, Joel. You all right, man? Can we get a medic? I need a medic! Damn, his face is starting to turn blue.
Anyways, where was I. Spielberg, the Eric Bana of cinema...you know what? I don't think I can do this today. Schindler's List is a pretty serious flick--six million Jews, fake showers and all. And without The Schumacher, it would seem a little unfair to the Nazis. I just wouldn't feel right reviewing it on my own. But you're here, and you're craving an excitement that can only be quenched by the fellatiotasticity that is Michael and Joel.
Well, okay. How about this? I've often gotten the question from fans, "Michael Freakin' Bay, what inspires you to make such awesome movies, with awe-inspiring shots of actors looking awe-struck by awesome situations?" And it just so happens that I, Michael Freakin' Bay, carry around this list of inspirations, conveniently ordered from 15 to 1, and I'd like to share it with you today after, ever-so-coincidentally, Joel seems to have been rendered unconscious by a cocaine overdose foreshadowed in the previous post and is turning blue before my eyes with no immediate help in sight.
"Violet! You're turning Violet!"
Haha never gets old. We might have to review that sometime. Anyways, without further adieu...
#15 Filmmaking for Dummies by Bryan Michael Stoller and Jerry [Lee--ed note] Lewis
Now, as most of my fans will already know, I'm not the type of director (note: without quotes that time), or person, to do things by the book, as they say. I'm like Mel Gibson in that cop movie before he went crazy. No! After...he went crazy. I'm a renegade movie maker, and the only reason I would keep any book within arm's reach is to shit all over it while I'm makin' m'movies. Filmmaking for Dummies is usually my toilet paper. When I get some time, I'm going to write my own book, about not going by the book. I'll call it, Movie Making for Totally Awesome Directors...like Michael Freakin' Bay. But no one will ever read it, because totally awesome directors don't go by the book. Anyways, the only time I ever actually opened Filmmaking for Dummies was when I heard it had a really sweet cartoon.
#12 Sears Catalogs
When lil' Mikey Freakin' Bay was just starting to get the manly itch, these magazines were the perfect spank material. They helped me develop an appreciation for the female anatomy, that is to say, breasts. As with most things, the internet has put the Sears catalog at our finger tips, and I often spend hours on the set at Sears.com, searching through page after blissful page of woman's undergarments.
I fancy myself to be a history buff. This is why so many of my flicks are filled with historical reference. The Rock, for instance, was based on a documentary series called Prison Break. I got the idea for Armageddon from a history book I read in high school by Nostradamus. And I have created a post-modern (futuristic) historical documentary with Transformers about the forthcoming invasion by robots in disguise, which I learned about after traveling to the future and acquiring a sports Becket. No matter who wins, we all Shia LaBeouf.
#09 Vin Diesel
While I was growing up on the back lots of Los Angeles movie studios, I used to watch Vin Diesel. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Vin Diesel is awesome.
#08 USC's film school
As Michael Jordan was rejected from his high school team but went on to train and eventually compete in AAA baseball, I, Michael Freakin' Bay, was rejected from USC film school, only to become the quintessential action movie director of our time. Our rejections made us who we are, a AAA baseball player and movie maker extraordinaire, respectively. And one day, I may retire from film, but I'll likely go on to purchase New Line Cinema, come out of retirement and then direct alongside my team until it becomes embarrassing.
Aged in an oak barrel, the Muscat grapes of Northern Italy take on a a beautiful flavor that is smooth on the palette, with an aftertaste that hints of heaven. Served in in a pure crystal glass at 62 degrees, its clarity is apparent, and the room is filled with the aromatic wonders of the valley. Similar to a bottle of wine, my movies are said to only get better with age.
Got to give it to those Chinese. While they may be Commie bastards, they sure know how to celebrate 4th of July...by making things blow up. The skies are lit up and dragons are roaming the streets. It doesn't really make sense, but sometimes things don't. Whenever I find myself in one of those spots, I use explosions to distract the audience...just like the Chinese handle word affairs.
#04 Bridge Over The River Kwai
Back when gook-killing was considered patriotic and not politically incorrect, this was the gook-killing movie of all gook-killing movies. Now, it's just racist. The plot revolved around some guys who built a bridge. The gooks destroyed it. The guys rebuilt the bridge; the gooks destroyed it. I often compare my relationship with movie critics to this flick. I'm never going to stop building, guys, no matter how often you un-American bastards keep shooting them down!
#03 Vidal Sassoon
Vidal Sassoon once said 'Hair is another name for sex.' How am I supposed be taken seriously on the set if my hair isn't begging for it? How do I expect my brain to become impregnated with brilliant movie-making ideas without Vidal Sassoon all over my coif?
Bad Boys! Bad Boys! The show was actually inspired by my flicks Bad Boys and Bad Boys II. Only C.O.P.S. is racist. My movies had black C.O.P.S., whereas on C.O.P.S. they just arrest B.L.A.C.K. people. And the chase scenes often lack spectacular explosions, but C.O.P.S. is still good television, which is why I use it as the standard of quality when creating my movies.
This lesson, friends, I give you for free. The rest, will be available exclusively in Movie Making for Totally Awesome Directors...like Michael Freakin' Bay. Available...in the future.