Never Tomorrow Forever With Love

Michael: Earlier this month the 24th Bond movie (including the real Casino Royale), Quantum of Solace, was secreted into theaters by EON (Eternity of Nonsense) Films, and it goes without saying that it was complete and utter crap, a problem that would have been easily correctly by Joel and I sharing a warm director's seat. Ever since I was a Wee Freakin' Bay my dream was to direct James Bond, as he is a reflection of my real life - blowing crap up with expensive gadgets, driving fast cars, and getting some boom-boom-bam-bam lovin' without all the baggage. So instead of doing the standard Quantum of Solace review other so called critics have given readers in recent weeks, we thought we'd share with our awesome readers how we would make the ultimate James Bond film (25), which would then allow Sony to expand its "Ultimate" collection 15, releasing a new set next year for the unsuspecting bastards that thought they already bought the "Ultimate" collection last year. And fuck your hi-def TVs, blu-ray was so last year. You n00bs were pwned by brilliant marketing. Get ready for super-lazer vision.

Joel: Word.

Our Title
Never Tomorrow Forever With Love
Pretty self explanatory if you're not retarded, Mark.

Our Bond
Ben "Afflack" Affleck - The dude...gave it his best effort...as a director, but Ben "Afflack" Affleck kicks so much more ass when he's acting (the aptly titled Paycheck, anyone?)

To arrive at "Afflack" Affleck, we first eliminated all true Brits from the mix. Sean Connery was the best to date (Scottish), and then what? Silly bastards that might have been great if they were poncing around in a Shakespearean play with that Damn Judi Dench, but this is James Fuckin' Bond. Who better to play a British spy than a sexy American actor who already saved the world from something as ridiculous as a killer asteroid? Maybe Kanyon, but nobody is going to get that reference. So, we thought about casting Bruce Willis for this role, but no one is going to take that geez seriously after The Return of Bruno, his unappreciated (read: colossal flop of a) blues album, or the Justin Long vehicle Die Hard 4. So we were left with "Afflack" Affleck, the super-cool sonofabitch that brought the world Reindeer Games. And there's your James Bond.

We took one look at this photo and were pretty damn sure we made the right choice.

Our Supporting Cast
Megan Fox as M T&A
Judi Dench may be a respectable actress with actual talent, but damn is it hard getting all that saggy flesh in frame, or watching it for that matter. So in our film, we pay due to the classic M character by giving her one last blazing run with an AK-47 through a Russian prison camp before she gets caught in a hail of velocal raptors (crazy Russians) and dies in a blaze fueled by formaldehyde before she gets replaced by T&A, ushering in a new generation of tent-pitching Bond fans.

Aaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!! (breath) Aaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhh!!!

Hero Nakatomi from Hiros as Q
This bullshit about English technology experts has to end. Think about it, man. The English still have a huge tower dedicated to a clock. They can put those things on your wrists or cell phones now. Japan went mind-time years ago while the rest of the "modern" world is still stuck in digital. Which is why we need that mind-time expert from Hiros, Hero Nakatomi to run the gadget department. Asians are smart. It's a fact. That's why we all cheated off them while at UCLA.

"Nanoo, Nanoo" was originally mistranslated as a salutation in English. It is actually more closely associated with a Japanese phrase that means "Later, bitches. I'm 'bout to teleport up out this motherfucker."

Curtis Jackson as G (The American Spy)
American intelligence is an oxymoron and Bond movies always makes sure to include at least one dumb American spy from which James Bond gathers (read: doops out of) intel. And who is dumber, yet socially more appealing (and downright fucking terrifying to your grandma) than Curtis Jackson. (Joel ed note - I was pulling for Fiddy Cent).

For a spy disguise, Curtis Jackson will exploit his ghetto background in a sly attempt at marketing ruthless gang culture and criminal actions to a new generation of wannabe hoodlums who could have overcome their situation if they just had Michelle Pfeiffer as a teacher.

Sacha Borat Cohen as Dr. O. Fu--
Got to have a weird foreign actor for the bad guy, right? How else will everyone in the civilized (read: English-speaking) world know who to root for? Like all Bond bad guys, he will be sporting some sort of facial deformation. Dr. O. Fu-- is fighting a bout of Bell's Palsy which causes the right side of his face to occaisional droop and turn some of his sentences into asdfasdf4w3hbq,kfgdasdf,ujusdf34tdnv b hng.

If it were up to Dr. Oh Fu-- everyone from Alaska to Russia would have to wear one of these, causing a ridiculous amount of sunburn, in turn causing his stock in SPF 1000 to skyrocket. Evil. Fucking. Genious.

Robert Pattinson as Iama Kumdumpster
This chick is new to the scene and has a lot of buzz for starring in the upcoming (Joel: heh heh upcoming) Twilight. What better way for her to keep the fame-train chugging then to have Bond give her the old in-out as the requisite Bond girl that does get screwed.

This chick has got it going on. I bet "Afflack" Affleck can't wait to nail her.

Damsel N Distress - Miley Cyrus
This girl is turning into a little slut, but isn't quite in the Lindsay Lohan whorehouse yet. Perfect timing to bring Bond to the tween demographic. And what a role for the hellspawn of Mr. Achy-Breaky himself. She can keep her respectability (the damsel never goes to bed with James on screen) while teasing that eventual dive into the gutter followed by obscurity (we all know she gets nailed shortly after the credits before Bond moves onto the next one).

... ... ... er ... ... ...

Richard Kiel as Jaws
All the best Bond movies have Jaws; this one will be no exception.

Jaws got his awesome teeth after eating too much candy for Halloween. So kids, if you want to be a supervillian, no brushing.

Plot!
So this dude is all like, "I bet the World Bank will give me an obscene amount of money if I threaten to send a missile into the sun." So he makes this evil base in an Ice Mountain volcano in Siberia. So this hot chick calls Bond and tells him he has to stop it because her country is too poor to just put up the money to save the goddamned fucking sun. Bond doesn't know this, but they are lying to him so he can stop the Doritos Spicy Fiestafield missile threat while Tom Cruise's MI3 pockets the ransom money. Before Bond goes to stop them he bangs Iama Kumdumpster at a Red Roof Inn then she dies from Lupus. Bond surfs into the Ice Mountian volcano because he was taught how to surf by 50 Cent. His AMP energy drink branded surfboard has an Epic flame thrower attached because the Asian Samsung dude made it for him. Fiddy Cent, who was thought to have died in surfing mishap, returns to announce he was framed by MI3 (a Tom Cruise Joint). $0.50 rides the missile into outer space, sacrificing himself while Bond makes a quick escape back to Earth in the Sony PlayStation 3 escape pod, now on blu-ray, and MI3, ravaged by the events of Never Tomorrow Forever With Love, gets a $700 billion bailout from the U.S. government. The end.

"Ta da!"
Matt Damon approves.

James Bond will return in Someday Never Moreover Less Rhinopussy 4 Free

Michael and Joel fight off not one, not two, but four zombie invasions; plan post for Saturday

The producers of Michael and Joel were asked to pass along the following information. We would have ignored it, but it came certified mail with the promise of a gift certificate to Chili's if we carried out the order. Economic times are hard, so here goes...

"Hey folks! I'm sure you were expecting, maybe even longing for, a new post on ye 'ol review site today. You expect a lot of things, but Michael and I are not your monkeys. We did feel the slightest bit of guilt, however, at not making your day that much more special by giving you one of our uplifting literary masterpieces. So, we thought we'd give you the skinny on why the post has been delayed. Michael and I, along with fellow "directors" George A. Romero and Danny Boyle, have been fending off not one, not two, but four zombie invasions over the last two days. They were stand-alone invasions, not directly connected, but we found ourselves in the middle of all four, and it took teamwork to survive. Really, we didn't accomplish much but to wreak havoc while waiting to be extracted, but it was a good time.

"Michael and I have been working on a post, despite the zombie hordes, which readers can expect to read late tomorrow afternoon. That is all...Suck it." -- Joel

Video games make the best movies

By Michael and Joel

Michael: Sorry for another week without a post.

Joel: Yeah, my mom was right. I won't get anywhere playing these games.

Michael: Yeah, games kind of suck.

Joel: Especially when they forget to tighten up the graphics on Level 3.

Michael: But the point is that they have inspired some phenomenal movies, so great that we might venture to call them films.

Joel: Indeed. Here is a look at some video game-inspired films from over the years.

Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Michael: Super Mario Bros., from day one, was destined to be a movie. It is a classic rags to riches story of two working-class plumbers -

Joel: -are there any other kind-

Michael: Who step up in a time of need to save the world and tag team it with a beautiful princess.

Joel: Mustache... rides... galore.

Michael: Graphically, the film was a marvel--a thousand times better than the drab, two-dimensional game. Sweet fireball effects, Yoshi was rightfully changed into a goddamned ugly dinosaur (is fuggliosaurus a thing?), Mojo Nixon as Toad and the Bomb-ombs were kicking it in style with their Reboks.

Joel: [shudders] It gives me flashbacks.

Michael: The only disappointing thing about this movie is that 15 years after its release, the sequel is still trapped in another castle (ed note - industry code for development hell). Now I may never know what happens after that cliffhanger ending where...well... we don't want to spoil anything for you n00bs.

Street Fighter (1994)
[Soon on blu-ray at all fine retailers]

Michael: This movie brings with it something that this site has been lacking since its inception.

Joel: Yeah, Jean Claude Van-Fuckin' Damm..mme

Michael: And Van Damne Dancing.

Joel: And it had quite the bitchin' soundtrack featuring an MC Hammer and Deoin Sanders collaboration, Rally Ral and Kylie Minogue.

Michael: Oh, I can't get her out of my head.

Joel: I'm gay.

Michael: So true. But you've got Van Damme in a beret to ogle.

Joel: So true. But while this box-office success propelled the careers of many and gave gamers a Hard-duken, it permanently TIGER UPPERCUTTED the career of Gomez Adams.

Michael: Ah, puns.


Mortal Kombat (1995)
Joel: Then there's a movie that koined the eternal phrase: "Those were $500 sunglasses, you asshole."

Michael: I'm still pretty sure that phrase hasn't pikked up quite as much as you think it has.

Joel: How about "It has begun!!!"

Michael: What has?

Joel: "Get over here!"

Michael: Where?

Joel: "What I want to know is, if this Shang Tsung guy is so great, why's he got sukh a krummy-looking boat? "

Michael: I don't think anyone knows what you're talking about at this point.

Joel: MOOOOOOORTALLL KOMMMMBAT!!

Michael: Anyways...

Joel: Da dant da dant da daahnt da dant da dant da daahnt

Michael: The action sequenkes are bar-none

Joel: da-daa du du du du da-de-ee da-daa du du du du

Michael: Though there was some kharacter konfusion with Khristopher Lambert from Highlander showing up (being immortal with elektrikity and all). Why doesn't he just fight them? What a kokkbag.

Joel: dunt dunt dunt dunt dunt dee

Michael: Kut it out.

Joel: ...MOOOOOOORTALL KOMMMBAT!!


Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
Michael: Females aren't really good for video game characters unless, you know, unless they have giant breasts powered by unnatural physics. And the Tomb Raider series' improvements have basically centered around the increasing size and boyancy of Lara Croft's breasts.

Joel: Which is why the Womb Raider movie is so great. It's just huge breasts and sex. If the game was more like this, it would have sold a zagillion copies.

Michael: Joel...that's not...you know what...I'm not even going to correct you. It's all porn anyways.

Hitman (2007)
Michael: I never watched this movie, because I never needed to. The trailer does for me everything I could ever ask of a movie. In the mere 30 seconds of brilliant editing included in the TV spot, we see the film's main character, Agent 47, extending his arms in a Jesus Christ-like pose, pistols in each hand, spinning around to clear a room.

Joel: How fucking cool is that?


Resident Evil (2002)
Joel: This moving has kicking dogs in the face.
K-I-C-K-I-N-G D-O-G-S I-N T-H-E F-A C-E.
Why are you still reading this?



Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (2001)
Michael: People, over time, have generally gotten more attractive. Larger, more round breasts, prettier faces, you know, survival of the fittest. Ever see picture of women from 1776? Did you ever see an Eleanor Roosevelt? So what I want to know is, if we're evolving to be more as God intended, why does everyone look so friggin' creepy in this futuristic movie? The actors are a bunch of dead-eyed things that should have been aborted in the fourth trimester. If the future is anything like Final Fantasy, cast haste on me and let Sephiroth put me down like Aeris.


The Wizard (1989)
Joel: Strictly speaking, this is not based on a video game, but it is essentially a feature-legnth Nintendo commercial for the Power Glove and Super Mario Bros. 3, which is still pretty fuckin' sweet.

Michael: And it has that eloquent speaker of a kid from The Wonder Years and Little Monsters.

Joel: I'd like to say, "I Love My Power Glove. It's So Bad."

Michael: Whatever, people still don't get your references. This movie has it all. A fake dinosaur, inappropriate touching of a young girl and an inside look at the Nintendo hint line.

Joel: And if that's not enough, it teaches viewers life's number one lesson.

Michael: And that is?

Joel: If you follow a child with autism who keeps shouting "California" your dreams will come true -

Michael: - My career path, coincidentally -

Joel: -You'll get to play cool games and get the girl. And if all else fails, at least you've got a little Rain Man to make fun of.

Michael and Joel playing games, will return for review tomorrow

Michael and Joel announced today from your mom's bedroom that they just weren't able to write a review last week because "This is the high tide of video game season, when all the biggest titles like Fallout 3, LittleBigPlanet, Left 4 Dead, Mirror's Edge, Far Cry 2, World of Warcraft expansions and Ninjatown hit shelves, overwhelming gamers with their awesomeness."

Oddly, we have only seen Michael struggling to get through the first stage in Transformers and Joel "playing" the never released Dreamcast adaptation of Phonebooth. Either way, they've been playing games instead of writing.

We were able to convince them, however, to take a break to write short reviews on their favorite movies inspired by video games. Those will appear, as things rarely do, on this site tomorrow. That is all.

Vote Early, Vote Often

The producers of Michael and Joel won't tell you who to vote for, but in the interest of being good Americans feel the need to remind everyone that today is Election Day.

Ba-ROCK THE VOTE!

If you are still riding the fence on who should be the next leader of the free world, check back to our election coverage here - http://michaelandjoel.blogspot.com/2008/10/politics-by-genre.html