Feel free to contact Michael and/or Joel with questions, comments, rants, raves and suggestions at

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Jerry and Uwe: At the Movies Answering Fan Mail

Jerry: Hey, everyone! I'm Jerry Fuckin' Bruckheimer.

Uwe: And I'm Ooh-veh Bowl.

Jerry: And this is Jerry and Uwe: At the--

Not so fast! Their reign is about to end faster than it took to finish this piss-poor photoshop job.

*Door to studio comes crashing down. Michael and Joel stand in the doorway, covered in ammunition and really big explosives*

Michael: I don't...*both men pump shotguns*...think so.

Joel: It's check out time, boys...

Michael: I thought we were going with "Suck on this."

Joel: Whatever.

*Michael and Joel take aim and dispatch Jerry and Uwe with a blast and take their seats.

Joel: Boosh!

Michael: Did you really think we were going to let those asshats take over our site? That would be WAAAY to gimmicky of a change for any site to undergo in only its second month.

Joel: True, and we just paid $10 to register the domain name, so there was no way in hell we were letting that happen.

Michael: Apologies, fans, for our lapse of judgment in leaving last Friday's post unattended. I am completely to blame, for I forgot one of the most important days in the history of the world two weeks ago. August 29, 2006 (the day we did one of the funniest--yet most unread--posts since The Dark Knight review) was Dr. Joel Schumacher's 69th, that's right, folks, 69th anniversary of his birth. After Joel spent the week thinking he was being "passively aggressive" by repeatedly calling me an insensitive douchebag, I decided to take him on a fishing trip in the Sahara. It turned out to be sort of a bust--apparently they don't have a ton of water there--but we did coincidentally save the world from the brink of disaster while we were there. So I told Joel he could choose the subject matter for this week's post. Amazingly, he had a really good idea. So, this week we're going to answer some of the fan mail that has been building up, and I promised Joel he could respond to the first question. So let's reach into the bag here and...

Michael B. from Los Angeles writes...Why is Michael Freakin' Bay so awesome, and how can I be more like him?

Joel: The easiest thing to do is forget your BFF's birthday, hog most of the talking time on the show you do together with misinformed debauchery, and generally make a mook of yourself even though your Rotten Tomatoes celebrity rating is only a 9 percent comapred to your co-host, who happens to pull a 35 percent. Oh, it also helps if you think the Sahara is filled with water.

Michael: For the last time, I didn't realize dessert was spelled with two S's.

Joel: How does that make any sense?

Jeremy I. from Little Rock, Arkansas writes...How can squirrels run along electrical wires, and can I do the same thing?

Michael: I'll field this one. Many people say the reason squirrels can run along electrical wires while humans cannot has something to do with being grounded. It is true that (generally) squirrels can and people cannot, but the reasoning is totally incorrect. Think of electricity in terms of magnetics or gravity. In magnetics, you have positive and negative attractions, while gravity is countered-by anti-gravity, or weight. In electronics, you have static and non-static electricity. The squirrel, as evidenced by its tail, is filled with static electricity, while the electrical lines are running non-static, or moving, electricity, which is why the squirrel can run along the lines. This is also why you will never see a hairless squirrel on and electrical wire--no static electricity. In fact, this is why you won't see many hairless squirrels, period.

This rare photo was circulated in the late 90s and is believed to be a shot of one of the last five living hairless squirrels in North America. Hairless squirrels face extinction because their lack of fur means they cannot build the static electricity charge necessary to survive electrical line parkour. But that doesn't stop the adorable little things from trying.

Michael (cont.): Humans, however, do not have static electricity naturally, but that does not mean they are prevented from running along electrical lines. If you rub you shoes really fast across a carpet, you accumulate static electricity, which will allow you to run across electrical wires. You can read more about it in my best-selling book Static Electricity and You: Playin' With Sparks.
SE&Y:PWS was pulled from shelves in 2004 for "factual discrepencies with reality." Whatever that means.

Kevin S. from New Jersey writes...If you could have a superpower or be a superhero, what or who would it be?

Michael: I would have the power to bring Gene Shalit and Roger Ebert back from their graves so that they could continue to watch my films for the rest of eternity.

Joel: I would be Carl Winslow. He fought crime in Chicago slums during the day and raised a family of eight Winslows, including one child that wasn't even his own, by night. I'm not sure which was the more harrowing feat.

Carl Winslow was the world's first African-American superhero, if you don't count Warhammer, Shaft or Dr. Dre.

Ocho Cinco from Cincinnati writes...How are babies made?

Michael: Children are often told stories about the birds and the bees, but I'm going to tell you from experience that including such animals in the baby-making process can be very, VERY, dangerous. Adults are then tought that babies come from inserting the penis in the vagina, so that sperm meets egg and forms an awesome word--zygote. But while this doesn't hurt one's chances of conceiving, it is definitely not as fully-detailed of a description as the question deserves. First there has to be a good-looking woman, and that woman has a better chance of getting pregnant if she is showing a healthy amount of cleavage. She must, at some point, look longingly at the man. The man, who will not be able to resist this mating call, will inevitably find himself in bed with the woman. This is where things get complicated. The man and woman must find a way to cover the man's lower half and the woman's front with a single bed sheet, which is actually more difficult than it sounds. It is actually encouraged that the man's pectoral muscles are showing, and the woman's entire back, included her gluts, may be visible, but anything below the nipples in the front is unacceptable.

Joel: So, true, Michael. And it's important to note that, generally speaking, only married couples can use this technique to produce a child, though there are a number of situations can increase anyone's chances of becoming pregnant. If you are in a situational comedy and sleeping with and ugly guy, on a Lifetime special and the sex was "rough," in an "urban" flick, or you are Arnold Schwarzenegger, you're chances of getting pregnant automatically increase tenfold.

Michael: That's right, and although it is often pondered in films and done by women every day in the real world, and abortion isn't ever socially acceptable in a movie, so don't even think about it.

Christopher R. writes...What did you guys think of the Olympics this year?

Joel: I thought they were overly sexualized. I mean, that buttfucking event came totally out of left field.

Michael: Buttfucking event? That was the paralympics, you maroon.

Murderball's Mark Zupan was not the least bit amused by that last joke.

Dom from Sera says...Guys, I lost my hat on a roller coaster at a Six Flags theme park. I want to hop the fence to get it back, but I've seen a lot of stories about people who have been killed or seriously injured in such situations. What should I do?

Joel: Definitely stop being a bitch and just hop the fence. Odds are, if you're smart enough to write us with your question, the other people who were hit are dumber than you are. Same logic goes for the signs warning you not to enter the restricted areas. These signs are designed only to address the lowest-common denominator of intelligence, or retarded people, and don't apply to you. Why should you lose a hat because mentally handicapped people can't be trusted to move when the coaster zips by?

This old man was flipping Fatburgers until he decided to hop the fence at Six Flags. You too can live the dream.

Ralph N. of Winsted, Conn. asks...Who should I vote for in this year's presidential election?

Michael: Chris O'Donnell

Joel: Being a fan of change, I'm voting for the democratic candidate Carl Winslow.

John G. from Seattle asks...Who would win in a fight?

Michael: I have no qualms about saying Joel. He's got the pain tolerance of a junkie and the strength of a retard.

Joel: Thanks, Michael. I'm going to have to say Carl Winslow.

M. Night S. asks...I'm an aspiring filmmaker, what filmmaking traps should I look out for?

Michael: I'm my experience, bear traps. They fuck your shit up.

Joel: Yeah, or if you're making a sequel to Goonies, booty traps, yuk, yuk, yuk. And also lint traps.

Jonathon Ke Quan, the actor who played Richard "Data" Wang in The Goonies, fell victim to another popular Hollywood trap--child stardom.

Charlie K. ponders...I'm having writer's block, will you please review my attached screenplay and offer a suggestion for an ending? Joel: Last time I opened an attachment from someone I did not know it erased all my fuckin' hard drive. I lost the script for The Number 23 which was to start filming the next week. I had to wing the entire movie. I can't really suggest an ending if I can't read the screenplay, but I offer this gem of advice: Add nipples to everything, even the nipples, and never open attachments.

Shia LB from unknown writes...Last year, I started to question my sexual-orientation. I think I may be gay, but I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it. When did you guys first realize you were gay, and how did you handle telling your friends and family?
Michael: Whoa! Whoa right the fuck right there, Shia.
Joel: Yeah, we're totally not gay.
Michael: Nope.
Joel: Definitely not gay, so it looks like you'll have to take your little queer problem elsewhere.
Michael: Yeah, please keep that gaysauce away from us.
Joel: Ha...ha...yeah. Keep that gaysauce away.
Michael: What a weirdo.
Joel: Yeah, I know. Right?
Michael: Thinks we're gay.
Joel: And we're totally not. We bang gorgeous women every day.
Michael: Yeah...At least two a day so that we can make that statement plural.
Joel: Yeah...That was awkward.
Michael: Let's never answer fan mail again.

No comments: