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Friday, September 19, 2008

An incident at Toronto

By Michael

If it were up to me, you never would have heard about the incident at the Toronto Film Festival on the evening of Sept. 6 when a fellow critic inadvertently felated me or something. It has been blown...out of proportion. It is of interest.

The incident remained private until today, Sept. 18, when a mostly accurate account appeared on Wikipedia. I suppose since it happened at a convention with a plethora of nerds in the room, this was indubitably inevitable. Now it has become always been a big deal, raced around the web, and has been exaggerated, except where it relates to size.

A racy foreign film was playing and I was sitting in the aisle seat. Excited by a lesbian four-way, common in French cinema, I pulled it out, as did many others in the theater. Paul Reubens was sitting in front of me as started to slouch in the aisle as his actions became heated. I could not see the subtitles and could not move my head because I decided to wear a neck brace to the show.

My mouth was full of popcorn and my hands covered in butter, so I gave him a light poke on the cheek with my penis and gestured for him to move over a bit. He said, "Don't touch me," and remained in his position. I tapped him again lightly. "I said--don't touch me." He leaned further into the aisle, as if making a point of it. I tapped him a third time, and he jumped up to hit me with his penis, but tripped in such a way that his mouth landed around my member, totally accidentally, and not at all in an intentionally gay way. He sat down, and I defiantly poked him again, this time in the ear so that he could hear me coming.

There was a commotion. Some people stood up and asked him what he was doing, and a person from the studio who was seated behind us across the aisle intervened--aka, wanted to be part of the action. I overhear a conversation with security; Reubens cant' hear anything at this point. He reentered...the theater and took the studio person’s seat. His seat was taken by someone who had been in the rear...of the theater. No more problems.

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